Reflections

I recently heard someone speak about how a birthday is an auspicious time, thats it time to reflect on your life. About where you were a year ago and where you want to be in a year. And while its not my birthday for about 3 more months, I feel not is a good time to reflect. If you had told me last year that I could ever be this happy I would have laughed in your face. I would have said you are so not realistic, I could never be that happy, I have so much shit in my life. But guess what? I am happy and doing so well. I finally feel what i feel is true happiness (I will explain the meaning of that in another post) Yes I disappoint myself, I cry and I get down. But those are all stepping stones to where I want to get. I dont get stuck. I make a mistake but I keep on going. A year ago I was involved with a lot of guys, doing whatever it took to feel happy to feel loved even temporarily. But none of that eased my pain, all it did was bring me down more. Going away for the year was the best decision I ever made (even though I made the decision for the wrong reasons). I am finally maturing, becoming my own person and living the life I want to live. Being single this year has allowed me to be selfish, in terms of making decisions for me, doing whats best for me and not having to sacrifice myself at a time when I need myself more than I need someone else in order to help me change. So though 22 is still a few months off, this year has been amazing, and crazy at the same time. I can't wait to see what else is in store in the future for me. Life is awesome!

Thanks for being a good guy

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I had been sick the last few days so it felt great to get out of bed. I went into town to take care of things and then hung out with 2 guys, each one separately. After my night was over I called one of my closest friends and gave her a recap of the day, I told her with pure happiness in my voice that neither of the guys even tried to make a move! She answered thats nothing to be happy about, that's how it always should be. She might be right, but that's not how it is for me. Most of the guys I tend to hang out with usually only want me for my body. It was so nice last night to just chill and hang with them. Listening to them, them listening to me without them trying to get in my pants. The first guy and I walked to this beautiful park, watched the dogs run around, and laid on the grass and looked up at the sky. The second guy and I met friends we both knew and hung out with them for a while before going to get sushi, which he paid for and then just talked about everything while he walked me 3/4 of the way to my bus. On the bus on the way home I started talking to a random soldier who was telling me about his future dreams. Didn't ask for my number, facebook name or anything. Just a nice conversation with a stranger. People have been telling me for years that there are nice guys out there and I never believed them. I don't know why but after all the abuse I was drawn to guys who kept hurting me. Not in the same way but they weren't good people, they were guys who took advantage of me and never valued me for who I am. In the last few months I am finally belieing what people have told me. Just because I have surrounded myself with bad people doesn't mean the good ones don't exist. I am starting to meet some really good people which is really changing my outlook in life. As I used to say to the few good guys I knew- thanks for being a good guy.

Stop playing with my emotions

I wrote this is class last week.  Its self-explanatory but shows my fear of letting people anyone into my life. Im so scared of trusting again, of loving again. Months ago I locked my heart up and threw away the key and I made myself my support system, my whole life and decided I dont need guys. 

stop!

playing with my heart

I wont let go

I cant!

these walls I built

are what kept me safe

what keep me safe

stop knocking them down

every sweet thing you say 

every I love you

knocks down a brick

of my inner fort

nobody ahs protected me

despite their many promises

I have been alone

In a cold scary dark world

but I have been fine

I am fine

but then you say you love me

and I fall apart

Dear rapist

Dear rapist,
Its been close to 3 years now since you pushed me down on the bed, took my virginity, disrespected my no, took away my voice, made me hate sex, fear men, and push myself away from so many people. Thanks by the way. Not for the pain and tears I've cried but rather for letting me find strength in places I didn't know I have. Because of what you did I changed from a girl to a woman, from being naive to being aware of the dangers of the world, from trusting people to putting down so many fences and forts thats I wont let anyone in. I could hate you, but instead I'm just really sorry for you. You seriously couldn't get it without pushing someone down and pounding her while she screamed and cried? You have a hand for a reason, learn to use it. Youre a miserable low life, who has no clue what you did to me. I have had offers to hurt you, but I never took anyone up on it. Cause what would I gain? The physical pain anybody would cause to you could never compare to the emotional pain and trauma you and others have caused. Plus I am not you, I try my best not to hurt people. Yes I have nightmares and flashbacks and wake up screaming time to time. And the first time I had sex after you took my virginity from me, I made him stop cause all I could see was your face and not my boyfriend. I even have physical scars from the emotional pain you caused. I might be scared of sex and had plenty of sex with random guys in hope the fear would dissipate, but I have learned how to deal with fear and how to deal with tough times. I will survive this, stronger than before I ever met you. I will be a better person, but you will always be a rapist.

Army strong

I've always had dreams of being in the military. Though in the dream I was usually a guy with a buzz cut with a tattoo of an anchor on my left bicep. Sounds messed up. It is. But I knew as a girl I couldn't do the same stuff in the military and I wanted to be a guy in the military. I have made peace with being a woman (usually), though sometimes it's annoying but I am getting more feminine as I grow older. But I still want to serve. I want to do basic, I want to push myself as hard as possible. I want to hurt at the end of the day. I want to shoot center. I want to be disciplined, I want to know that I can do what ever I set my mind to, that I can face anything, any challenges that can come up in my life I can overcome then. Cause I am army strong. Sadly this isn't a dream that will be fulfilled. As much as I want it, its not practical for me at this point in my life and it's a dream I am going to have to forget. But I will find other outlets in my life that can push me hard and build me up and help me overcome anything. I plan on getting serious in martial arts, which will give me courage and discipline and make me strong, just not army strong. I'm going to be one of those old grandmothers telling soldiers when I was your age I wanted to be in the army too but...

Positive risk taking

In the last 5 months since I have been away from home, I have been to the hospital and clinic only for injuries and not for sickness. First my concussion, then a dislocated shoulder and now this weeks latest, a possible fracture in my hand which turned out not to be broken. You might think I'm clumsy and people say I am always getting hurt. Maybe I do get hurt a lot but its because I'm always doing things and trying new things. If I just sat on my ass all day I wouldn't get injured but what fun is that? I want to experience life, have fun, go crazy in a good way. The concussion I got from doing a back-bend on sidewalk and not putting my hand down on time. The shoulder popped out from attempting a side aerial (a cartwheel with no hands), which was an old injury from uneven bars. And the hand was from trying to break a block in half, it wasn't working so I punched 25 times till my hands swelled up. If people did what I do, try jumping off things, climbing up things, and attempting to flip they would probably get hurt too. It makes life more interesting jumping over things then going around it. That's me. I like having fun, enjoying the little things. There's a risk of getting hurt but its worth it. Cause yes I have had 3 moderate injuries, there's a thousand times in the last few things where I've done things like hat and haven't gotten hurt. Risk taking can be good. But then there's also bad risk taking.Like spending a night with a guy and wishing for things not to happen, there's some risk that shouldn't be played with. Shouldn't put yourself in a situation where the damages would be so bad. I can deal with physical pain, there's no reason to let my guard down. I shouldn't put myself in a situation where there's a chance of me getting hurt again, because my hurt level is subsidizing and I am never letting it get added to again. So even though maybe the guy wont try something, not worth taking the risk, I'd rather flip over something or go skydiving. Guys are to risky.

Every breath you take... I'll be watching you

So recently someone in my past has come back to haunt me, literally. He flew over 6,000 miles to find me. He stalks me, knows where I am, what I am doing every day and where I will be. It's so creepy. When I tell most people, they say that's so cute. Its not cute, its scary. Its not love, its obsession. He googled my name along with the campus I am living on, and found a few blogs people wrote and used that to know where I'd be. He was outside my school building at 7:40am waiting for me. He came to my campus late at night and was searching for me. I get these texts how hes looking for me. He spent 5 hours searching my university campus for me. No matter how many times I ask him to get away from me he will not listen. And that scares me beyond the basic reason of hows he creepy, its that my whole life so many men have not listened to me saying no. They have not respected my saying no, and have raped me, molested me, taken advantaged of me and not respected me. He has to listen to no, I want to be alone. After a week of ignoring him he sent me an angry text saying how bad of a person I am how he hates me and then an email threatening to disclose all my private information and ruin my reputation if I dont listen to what he says. I promised a guy 2 weeks of free meals if he beats him up he said he would do it for free, violence is not the answer but what is? I do live in fear anymore, I am past that stage. I just want to be respected to and listened to. I know things will work out cause they always do, but I just hope its sooner than later.