Falling to pieces

Yea that's kind of what happened last night. During the day I had a wonderful talk with a friend. We walked around for 3 hours, talking about everything since I haven't seen him in 2 months. We were playfully fighting and just having a great time. At night the guy I was seeing for only a week called and said he didn't want to see me anymore. I have not had a real relationship in about 10 months with one thing imbetween but overall I have been single for a while and with my last 2 breakups I haven't cried. But with this I lost it. I don't know if I was starting to like him, didn't understand why I was being rejected yet again or also petrified since tomorrow I am moving 6000 miles for good by myself and I am so scared but also excited. He was going to be in the same country for me and I was excited to think that I had a support system. He seemed liked the real deal. We weren't physical, no kiss or anything. It was sweet, slow, and smiple and felt right. It came out of the blue that he dumped me and it shouldn't matter as they say (I don't know who they is) that no guy is worth crying over and the one that is wont make you cry. There are very few guys that I have not cried over. This guy didst like me, goodbye, good luck and one to getting myself strong again, moving, settling in, finding my crowd and eventually dating when I find a good guy again. It's just weird because he gave me mixed signals he called me beautiful and his girl and said he loved to spend time with me and was going to miss me. Its just odd, he said he felt no connection and it felt like good friends. Thats how he felt and I;m happy he told me. But this brings me to a point I want to make. I think relationships should start off as good friends, not lust and romance. That doesn't last usually. Yes you should be dating and not just friends. But it should have all the things friendships have- like lots of laughter, comfortable being around each other, having a good time. I feel like everyone's looking for that crazy feeling to hit them, heart pounding like mad, butterflies in their stomach, tingling. Thats not what love is. Thats lust. Love comes out of true friendship, a mutual appreciation and respect for each other. i know it doesn't sound as much fun as lust but its longer lasting. That's what I'm looking for and thats what I found with this guy. Maybe he felt differently or maybe he doesn't believe in the friend first rule. Regardless Its ok. I had a lot of friends that calmed me down, I am doing fine, getting ready to move, and move on with my life.

Finally fearless

I tend to have conversations with myself every now and then. It helps me put everything into focus and I can be honest with myself. So I was doing this 2 days ago and I was driving to the library and I said to myself, what are you truly scared of. I thought for a minute and I realized nothing. For years rape, and abuse and being hurt by men were my biggest fears. But I'm just not scared anymore. I wana climb high on a cliff and scream to the world how happy and ok I am finally. It's not that I need the world to know, I just cant believe how I feel these days. It's just amazing. Everyday is a gift. Everyday is an adventure. I just feel so happy. Trust me I still get down, and angry and annoyed. But those are emotions I can control and they are in the healthy amount.  I still have things Im not so comfortable with but I wouldn't call them fears such as public speaking and yellow jackets (wasps). I'm just confident now. I feel like nothing can get in my way and I can do what I want. I never thought this day could ever come. I want to help people to get to this point. It's possible. I looove life.

Speedy

As you might of heard, last Monday 2010 Olympic Silver medalist Jeret Speedy Perterson was found dead in a canyon in Utah. He had shot himself. Plenty of suicides happen so why am I writing about this one? Well Jeret meant a lot to me. He was a freestyle skier with a move named after him called the hurricane- which involved 3 flips and 5 twists. He caught my eye right before the 2006 Olympics when there was an article is Sports Illustrated about him. I tore it out, put it on my wall next to my other sport articles, but this one I put so it would be the closest thing to me when I woke up. Jeret was an amazing athlete who was talented enough to be in 3 Olympics, win a silver medal, and win the 2005 world cup. But in other areas of his life he wasn't as fortunate. As a kid Jeret was molested by a family member, his sister was killed by a drunk-driver, and also lost his uncle. He went thtough depression and alcohol abuse because of all these traumatic events. And right before the 2006 games, his roommate who he had taken in to help him through his hard times committed suicide right in front of him. To see Jeret at the 2006 games on TV even though he did not win gave me strength. Here I was a 16 tear old kid dealing with abuse, feeling alone and that no one could understand me. I was lost. So I decided to write a letter to Jeret, the first and only time I ever wrote a letter to anyone famous. I wasnt expecting anything back but basically I told him how he gave me strength and inspiration. About less than a week after while I was on the phone with friends studying for a test, my mom came in my room and said Jeret was on the phone for me. I had not given him my number. My mother thought the whole thing was fishy but basically he had reassured her and she let me talk to him. I was shaking, could not believe he had taken the time to call some little kid. He gave me such strength. He told me there was sun on the other side of the mountain, I just had to keep climbing even though it was dark. He shared some other personal things with me, a total stranger to him. The advice he gave me helped me through some really dark and difficult times. He was my hero. He gave me his number and here and there I would text him. The last time I spoke to him was 4 years ago. What other athlete or other famous person would do the same? He told me he was ok and that he had gotten through his hard times and I will get through mine. Finally I made it through, I would say for the last 8 months or so I have been doing really well, I never though this time would come. I made it partially due to Jerets advice, it kept me going. I cried so much when I heard he was gone and that an amazing person is gone from this world. I just wish he could have taken his own advice, he must have been in so much pain that he couldn't stay here anymore. I know that I will miss him very badly as will many others who knew him much better than I ever did. Jeret I hope you have found peace and are no longer in pain from all the tragedies you went through and just know how much you helped me. God bless ya.

Quotes

None of my deep thought provoking wisdom today. Now don't be disappointed. I have something even better. Yes better is possible. I picked out some quotes I like and make me think. Enjoy!


Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. 
-Joshua Marine


Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
-Oscar Wilde


Believe you can and you're halfway there.
-Theodore Roosevelt


A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
-Winston Churchill


We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
-Winston Churchill


Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened.
-Winston Churchill


You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
-Winston Churchill


Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new
-Albert Einstein


Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Einstein


Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results
-Albert Einstein


If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough
-Albert Einstein


There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle
-Albert Einstein


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-Mark Twain


The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become
-Mark Twain


The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter
-Mark Twain


Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear (So true, I think about this a lot when I feel fear but choose to overcome it)
-Mark Twain 


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest
-Mark Twain


It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong
-Mahatma Gandhi


When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it
-Henry Ford


You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time
-Abraham Lincoln


Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
-Oscae Wilde


I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work
-Thomas Edison


When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you                                                                -African Proverb

An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep.                                  -Arab Proverb

So many great ones, that's all for now!

I've changed, deal with it

After being away from my hometown for 9 months I cam back about a month for 8 weeks before I move away for good. I was nervous to come back and for good reasons. While it's great to be with my family its also tough. I am enjoying living in a beautiful big clean house with a cleaning lady and a fridge that is always stocked with great food unlike my apartment which usually had mold and ice on most of our food. And the doting parents are great. As are seeing all my siblings and nieces and nephews who have gotten so big and are adorable. But driving around the town where I have lived almost all of my 21 years is a reminder of my mistakes, of my past. In that firehouse I hooked up with this guy, here I did xyz, where I go is a reminder of mistakes. Plus there are so many people I don't wish to see. Some that we just don't talk for various reasons, some that remind me of bad things, and some that I was friends with before I left. The ones that i was friends with before I left want to hang out with me. But I have rules now, I don't hang out at night or go out alone usually with guys. I am trying to be a better person than the one who left here last October. Last year I made a lot of mistakes. I still err time to time but I am deffintley a better person that who I used to be. I heard a guy who I hooked up with last year is going around calling me ugly and a slut. At first it upset me a lot but then I thought about it. Maybe I was a slut. How do you define a slut anyway? But I am not anymore. And the past doesnt matter anymore. I am a very good caring person now. But since being home I have had a lot of arguments with my last year friends how I cant hang with them, and its starting to get lonely around here since I keep pushing away the not so good influences in my life. I know its the right thing but the right thing is not always easy. I once heard a Rabbi say that you know you are doing the right thing when you have a lot of opposition. He was talking about a different thing but I think it kind of fits. i have made what are for me sacrifices. I am a night person, I love going out at all hours, meeting new people and partying. Now I am home  almost every night on the computer, watching a movie or something and its not easy to change my nature but I am trying to become a better person. I don't want to be a slut. Please accept my change, but if you don't, thats ok because you obviously don't want the real me. My ex said that change isn't becoming a different person but its becoming the real you, well I guess I am me now. Love me or get out of my life! (Sorry for the anger)

I'm not damaged

One of my biggest fears is that somebody would reject me for my past. This year I have learned to make peace with my past, accept what happened and to move on. I now know being molested was not my fault. i am not damaged. I am not dirty. I am just as whole as before hand. But not everyone realizes that, some people think that the pedophiles actions was partially my fault, but it has nothing to do with me. Recently I went on a date with a guy and I shared a tiny part of my past. I didn't share about rape or cutting or anything like that. Just one detail cause he kept pushing for it and I gave in.  But once I told him he didn't want to hear it and started freaking out. He was upset that I had told him when he had asked me to share what I was hiding. I was actually quite hurt by his uneducated reaction. And it bothered me the whole date. When I got home, my amazing friends explained to me that if he cared about me he wouldn't see this as a flaw. The more I thought about it the more I realized they made sense. I have had guys who were angry about it, but not at me, at those who hurt me. That made sense. But it freaked this guy out. I guess he didn't understand it. And that ok. But I hope one day someone will.

Reflections

I recently heard someone speak about how a birthday is an auspicious time, thats it time to reflect on your life. About where you were a year ago and where you want to be in a year. And while its not my birthday for about 3 more months, I feel not is a good time to reflect. If you had told me last year that I could ever be this happy I would have laughed in your face. I would have said you are so not realistic, I could never be that happy, I have so much shit in my life. But guess what? I am happy and doing so well. I finally feel what i feel is true happiness (I will explain the meaning of that in another post) Yes I disappoint myself, I cry and I get down. But those are all stepping stones to where I want to get. I dont get stuck. I make a mistake but I keep on going. A year ago I was involved with a lot of guys, doing whatever it took to feel happy to feel loved even temporarily. But none of that eased my pain, all it did was bring me down more. Going away for the year was the best decision I ever made (even though I made the decision for the wrong reasons). I am finally maturing, becoming my own person and living the life I want to live. Being single this year has allowed me to be selfish, in terms of making decisions for me, doing whats best for me and not having to sacrifice myself at a time when I need myself more than I need someone else in order to help me change. So though 22 is still a few months off, this year has been amazing, and crazy at the same time. I can't wait to see what else is in store in the future for me. Life is awesome!