It's over

The relationship I had posted about a few times ended more than a month ago. I was really sad, the day of and the day after but after that the sadness was replaced with anger. He ended it because he wasn't ready for something serious. I had asked so many times at the start, I had been so clear about what I wanted, what I needed. I guess he didn't realize it until he was in for a few months. And obviously I don't want him to feel trapped, and not to have the life experiences he wants. He wanted a friendship, I want nothing. It's good this way. My friends took such good care of me the day after. They bought me so much chocolate, oreos, and other food. Every few minutes people were knocking on my door, couldn't even read a book. But two days later I was fine thanks to my awesome friends. I was more disappointed than anything else. Since then I have been on quite a few dates, none of them that have gone further than the second date. Either the guy has been nice, and sweet but nothing more there or I liked the guy and he didn't want to go out again. Which is fine. I have been keeping busy with some good friends, and my family. Things are good. Deffintley not as happy as I usually am, but kind of in a transition stage in terms of living, school, dating and some other things. It will all work out :)

I love you

Yes, whoever who you are I love you for reading my blog and for being awesome. But more than that, I have realized something. I have said I love you to about three guys but I don't think I have loved any of them. I have been in a relationship now for almost three months and what I feel is joy of being with someone I have a lot in common with who can make me laugh, I feel valued, appreciated and even cared for, I feel happy not to be alone, and I feel passion to be with someone new who i think is cute and also seems to be a great giving amazing guy. I think these are similar feelings to what most of us feel in the beginning of any new good relationship. But sometimes we confuse the good feeling of being with someone we admire for love. What I believe love is, is that it is appreciating someone for who they are. I know that sounds like such a boring definition. Love is supposed to grow not fizzle away. Love should get stronger with the years. Lust and passion can fizzle away if there's nothing stronger behind it. Love is seeing the person who they are with all their faults, and learning more about them, seeing them in all their goodness and flaws and accepting them for that, never trying to change them. Therefore love takes a while to develop and can't be love at first sight. Can be lust at first sight. But on a first impression you can't fully appreciate the person for who they are. You don't know them. So the longer the couple is together for and appreciating each other and seeing more sides of each others personality and who they are the stronger the love will grow. With that perspective I think it takes a lot of pressure off of the relationship. I don't need to hear I love you. In all my other relationships we had said I love you in a shorter time period than the relationship I am in. I am not expecting it. We are not even close to that point. It's slow. I want to be friends with him. Possibly best friend. Just get along have fun. I want to know he cares for me and even likes me, but I can tell in what he does. My father always said action speaks louder than words and that a guy can say what you want to hear but you should look at what he does. And that's what I am doing now, I see how thoughtful he is, buying my favorite candy he heard me mention once, printing a funny picture, bringing a blanket all the small things. That shows he cares. And if this relationship is meant to last, love will come. I appreciate him for who he is and I can see he appreciates me. That's all I want.

Mumble jumble

It's going great. It feels so good to be treated right by a guy for once. Most of my relationships started out good but they got pretty controlling and some even verbally abusive after a while. But this one seems good. I like him. I like that I can be myself around him. And I have no complaints. But after being with him, for 2 days which were great I feel worse being apart. I feel empty and kind of nervous and I am not sure why. We touched, and cuddle, and more and its all great. He even asked if I was ok because I guess he saw that i got scared. I said I was because it's to early to tell him about my past and explain certain things about me. For some reason I get shy and awkward around him and especially around his friends. Its weird. I like him, but I want more. I don't know. Its like I don't want to let someone in and then when I let them I want to let them in all the way. A lot of my good friends arent around for the next week or two and I think that's why I am kind of overreacting and just getting nervous and doubting myself. Thinngs are great and I just have to get used to them being awesome. And go slow. Also I am trying to figure out plans for summer and for next year which is slightly stressful but it will work out.

On more solid ground

I am better now. After my last post, which seemed like a little freak out. I am usually ok but I got scared/nervous.  Since then I have been doing great and taking things as they come. Applying to school and getting ready for the next chapter of my life. What I got to keep in mind is that life has its uphills and downhills and when things get bad I got to just ride the wave out and wait for things to get better. Or do my best to make things better. Cause things are great now. I have some really awesome friends. Have a great boyfriend. Volunteering/working in a place I love. And have great relationships with my family. Thank God. I still think back to when things were so much worse and I never thought I would meet good people. I feel like I have finally learnt how to take control of my life and let the right people in. That and God is really leading me. I know my posts are bipolar, they go back and forth dependent on how things are going. Plus I usually post more when things aren't so good because I need an outlet. But things are great.

Letting you in

I have finally met someone so nice, so awesome. It's going great! He's super thoughtful and so much of what I have been looking for. I guess most people in any relationship that's just a few months a long would feel unsure and maybe even a little nervous. But I feel it so much, I am so scared of getting close. The guy thinks I am so brave, because I don't mind snakes and heights and things like that. But I have so many fears! I feel like I analyze everything in a relationship. I don't want to have to explain to a guy why I need to be cuddled and cared for more. And why he needs to go slow with me. I do not want to be needy. I have not told him about my past yet, I have not shown him my emotional side. I will not be clingy, I will not be emotional. I need to be strong. I want to make this work so bad. But it hurts. It's great it's going so slow. In a way I really like that, that we are taking our time, no commitments, no head over heels obsessions. Just slow. But it also makes me more skeptical in a way. I want to be normal. I don't want to tell a guy that certain ways of having sex scare me and things like that. I want him to have a normal girlfriend. Even if he/or someone else accepts me for the way I am, I don't want him to have to do that. I am being really stupid about this. I guess the best way to describe it, is just feeling scared. I kind of feel worse sometimes after being with a guy, like emptier. I just feel uncompleted. I am going to work on it and hope times heal it like it has healed most things. Otherwise things are awesome!!!

What hurts the most is being so close.

I have been doing as lot of thinking lately. Trying to figure out why hooking up scares me and feels so empty. I think I kind of understand now. When I was raped, it was still sex, and at times my body even felt good despite what was happening and how scared I was. But when it ended I felt terrible, sad, and empty. In my mind sex, and hooking up is the end and disappointing. When I used to just hook up with guys, and I knew it was just going to be that I probably still felt empty to some degree but I knew that it was just a hook up and that was fine. But when I have hooked up in a relationship, I want it to be good, I want to feel more than just physical pleasure, I want to feel safe, protected, and cared for after. I don't want it to end with sex/hooking up. I am scared/ambivalent to hook up now even in a good relationship. I don't want it to ruin it. I wonder if we waited for a while, and I really learnt to trust the guy before he touched me, would I feel better after we hooked up and not want to leave him. It's easier for me to sleep with a guy I don't care about than someone I do and I don't know why. Even with writing all this I am still unsure what about it scares me so much. I know I can't deny touch to a guy I date but I don't want to break up with him because I freak out after. I am hoping I will figure it out :)

Being yourself

I think that sometimes we all feel like we have to act differently to please other people, whether our family, boss or a potential date but I feel the best thing we can be is ourselves. I think as a kid I was a bit shy and tried to hide who I was a little to fit in, and then as I went through high school and I was depressed and burdened with all the emotions of being abused and feeling isolated in addition to all the other wonderful feelings that come with adolescence, I definitley was not able to be myself. And then post high school with being raped, and trying to fit into new environments, as well as my constant battle with religion I was just being the person the people I hung around with wanted me to be. In the last year or so, moving away and becoming friend with different/better people, plus putting my past in a long term coma, I have seen parts of the real me come out. Thee quirky crazy parts of my personality that most people have never seen. Like the crazy energy I get, that instead of walking around something I jump over it. Or say things that people will think is slightly weird, but will make them laugh.Positive things to. I am a lot more confident about who I am and therefore people embrace it. I still want to be better about saying my opinion and whats on my mind and I usually do. And people appreciate me for me and that's the best thing I can ask for!

Change

Been a while. Just can't seem to write anymore. Kind of odd since I have so much free time. Anyway life is pretty much the same. I am healthy, safe and happy. I have become more religious though. I stopped wearing pants and instead wear skirts to the knees. In Judaism there's a concept of tznius, which means modesty. There's a dress-code- wearing a skirt that covers the knees, covering the elbows and collar bone, and no tight revealing clothes. But tznius is more than that, its being modest in the way that you interact with people. And while it might sound stifling, what it really does is allows you to be respected by yourself and others. These days girls show almost all of their body to the world. Where's the beauty in that? I have worn mini skirts, and I still wear short sleeves, semi low collared shirt. But does the whole world need to see what our body looks like? Do we not have a lot in terms of our personality and characteristics to offer that we need to distract from the person we are with our body? Guys can still be attracted to you this way. There's another concept in Judaism called shomer negiah. This one probably makes even less sense. literally translated, shomer negiah means guarding touch. When applied it means not touching anyone of the opposite gender. From the time you are 12/13 you don't touch anyone of the opposite gender, besides your mother/father, sister/brother, grandmother/grandfather and once you are married your wife/husband. This might sound like such a ridiculous custom but I believe there's beauty in it. These days  people have one night stands and sex with people they hardly know (me included), giving themselves to people who don't love or touch them just to have a good time. Imagine not touching a guy for years, and then finally meeting someone you really care about, and being able to see he cares about you and loves you too because the physical aspect of a relationship doesn't get in the way. And then at your wedding him taking your hand in his and eventually sleeping with him, think how intense that touch must be, when you have not touched another guy. Its crazy difficult but I think there's such a beaut to it and such respect. I grew up very religious and was never in an environment with guys my age. So until I was almost 18 I never touched a guy, not even hugging or anything. I met someone and after we knew each other for about 6 or 7 weeks we held hands for the first time, it was such an intense feeling. Now when I hold hands with a guy, it's nice and it feels good but I am numb to it. Touch should be intense and saved for the right person. Not for many people. So for about the last month I have not touched a guy. It's hard to tell new people not to touch me, and even harder to tell my guy friends we can't hug or fight, or even to sit to close to each other on the couch. But some people really respect it. Some guys are like don't be shomer negiah, that's stupid, why are you denying yourself pleasure? I am temporarily delaying short term pleasure so I can have better long lasting pleasure. I don't want to meet a guy that I end up marrying and the day before we met I had sex with another guy. I am not re-saving myself, but my not touching guys, it's making touch more special. And it also helps me get involved with the right guys- guys who will go out with me even if they can't touch me and hook up. I met a guy recently, just a few days after I became shomer negiah. He was not religious and from a very different background than me. He asked to go on a walk, and I was like shoot, he thinks we can go hook up. So on our walk I told him how I am trying to work on myself etc. He asked me a lot of questions about it, but he said that's great. And he asked me on a date and said he would do his hardest not to touch me. I really like this guy. But I thought it so weird for a secular guy who could get most girls, to want to go out with someone he can't touch, hold hands or hook up with. Yea don't get me wrong, I do think I am a great person, but not enough for a guy to want to deny themselves of things most guys want. We went on a date and he totally respected me, had great conversation, took me to nice places, never got to close to me, but did make some slightly perverted jokes. I don't know if he wants to go out again, to just be friends, or nothing. But I do think that it would be hard to continue a relationship like this. I don't expect nor want a guy to change for me. A lot of religious Jews date through a system called the shidduch system. Basically you get set up by people call shadchanim (matchmakers), some are professionals, some are just people who know you. They ask questions about your personality, your background, your views on religion, how you picture your future and then try to set you up with someone they believe is in a similar place in life as you and has similar life goals. It is weird, because it is a blind date though sometimes you do get to see pictures. And it's not without its own flaws but it does ensure that you are both looking for a relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, unlike two people who just meet and one might be looking for something more serious than the other. Regardless these are my thought for now and where I am at though I should write more. I like how having a blog makes me think in a different way, how to post my thoughts and therefore i formulate my thoughts in a similar manner.

Leftys world.

The world is made for rightys. According to research about 10% of the world is lefty. Righties dont realize how many thing are made for them and are much harder for leftys. In truth I am not 100% lefty. I mainly write with my right, play sports with my left, brush my teeth with my right, my hair with my left and things like eating or cutting with either hand. I am kind of ambidextrous but my left hand is more dominant. My mother was a lefty as a kid but in public school they put the pen in her right hand since they though using the left hand was a sign of the devil. This was a few decades ago not the middle ages, its so bizarre. Regardless I prefer using my left hand but some times its annoying when things are harder for lefties.

If you have noticed that on mens clothing buttons are on the right hand side and on womens clothing buttons are on the left hand side. Why you may ask? Well when clothing with buttons came out it was a sign of wealth and it was made on the right side so it would be easier for most people, since most of the world is right handed. And for the women who had buttons, they were wealthy and did not dress themselves so the buttons were on the left handed side so it was easier for a right handed maid to dress an upper-class woman. And its stayed that way. Thats just one example of things being for righties. Another one is when I get off my bike, I get off on the other side, since I use the other foot. I have to walk around the bike to put down the kickstand. You probally think thats no big deal and I am alzy, but when you constantly have to do small tasks that righties don't have to do or don't notice it can get frustrating. Why can't you choose when you buy a bike what side the kickstand is on. Can openers are for righties, scissors are for righties. yes you can buy left handed products online but you don't usually have them at your disposal. Unless you have your left handed sports equipment with you when theres any chance of a game of baseball happening, you probally will have to use a righty glove which I dont know how to throw with my right hand. Leftys usually adapt to using some right handed equipment like scissors because thats whats available but why should we?  More things made for righties- cameras, computer mouse, and spiral notebooks among several more. When I elarnt guitar I learnt to play it righty since it was to difficult to find a lefty guitar or get it restringed. Plus whenever someone demonstrates something, such as throwing a football they demonstrate is as righty and its harder to learn. Oh guns are meant for righties, pistols. Rifles you can shoot with either hand. In the big picture, its not a big deal but sometimes its slightly frustrating.

Just friends

This video has been going around the past week. I assume most people have seen it. It made me think since that has been a topic I have been discussing with people over the last few years. I grew up not talking to guys at all/ All girls high school. Didn't start talking to guys till after high school. And when I did, I didn't really know how many boundaries I had to make. When I wanted it to be just friends it would usually turn into a hook-up and occasionally the guy having feelings. Right about now I have what I would call 3 or 4 close guy friends. Most are long distance, so it's easy we talk on the phone once a week, once every other week. And the other ones I haven't known for so long. But I have not been to keep a guy friend for very long because it used to always turn into a hookup or it just got weird after a while. I kind of refuse to believe the video because I don't want to think every guy who is my friend wants to hook up with me. I don't think every guy is attracted to me or interested in that way. And I feel that sounds conceited. 3 of my really good guy friend told me they would hook interested with me. But I don't think every guy is like that. I think the problem is we have to realize that our friendship with guys is different than girls. We have to create more boundaries, be careful not o give them wrong signals. Me just laying on a guys bed is because I am tired not because I am interested. I currently only have guys in my life that I trust and I feel safe in my friendship. I hate how it used to be when good friendships would get ruined because we hooked up or he wanted to hook up. I think guys and girls can be friends. I think it takes self restraint on the guys part and the girl knowing limits of the friendship

Off of my head

I hardly ever write anymore. Not sure why. I do have crappy internet where I am, and am hardly ever online which I think is a really good thing. But thats not an excuse. I think all the time of things I want to write but rarely write them. Well here goes some random thoughts.
I am currently living in a college dorm type of environment where theres almost always something to do, such as climbing trees, punching a punching bag, learning how to fight, volunteering somewhere or watching a movie with friends. I am busy most of the time and am very happy. I have found a lot of awesome friends and deffintley am the most outgoing I have ever been. I have finally found some really good guyfriends, most who are in relationships who are just good friends, they are hysterical and fun to be with and I know nothing will ever happen. It feels good not to be with guys who are trying to get into my pants. I have found such a good group of friends. I am so going to have laugh lines when I am older. They say adults laugh less than 20 times a day, I have heard it's 14. I totally beat that. It sometimes hurts to laugh so much. Yea theres still drama, and theres still downs and stuff but I think I finally have accepted my past and have control of it. It might be more complicated when I start dating, but I believe when I find a geninue sincer, loving, good person I will be just fine.
I have dreams. I feel like I made it through my personal hard-time, my personal furnace. It was not an easy fight and I did a lottttt of bad things and amde a lot of mistakes. I try not to dwell on them and I hardly think of them, but those years were very hard and I am so happy I amde it through and made it ok. But I want to help kids who are still going through it, who want a hand to hold, a safe place to go to when they are on their difficult journey. I can't solve their problems for them but I can be there for them. Maybe start an organization, give them a place to live, educate them so they have a career for a future, a person who loves them, things to keep them occupied so they don't get into to much trouble and just to be a shoulder to cry on. I am not qualified but I hope I can make a difference. Many people were there for me and helped me in ways they don't even know.
I hat sounding so negative and that the abuse and stuff defines me but it was such a big part of my life and influenced my life in so many way, so I do talk about it often on here, though not much to anyone else. i really bring it up to one or two people from time to time.
I am smiling as I write this. I just feel happy. Last night at dinner I mentioned to a friend I want a baby. He asked why? I said I feel so full of love and I want to share it. He said why not find a guy, I said I'd prefer a baby, I don't need to be loved I just want to love something fully and give him/her everything s/he needs. Obviously I am going to wait until I am in a relationship and till I am married but I do want one.

On a completely different note, I started listening to podcasts when I am working and trying to sleep and they are great! Free and some are so interesting. Took this long for me to get into it but better late than never. Radiolab is awesome! So funny and entertaining. So stimulating you don't feel like your'e just listening. I always have new facts and stories to share at breakfast..

Not having a real thanksgiving tonight, since I am not in America so slightly sad. I do miss it. But we will still have dessert and American cereal, maybe watch a NFL game and go around and say what we are thankful for, so many things. Maybe that will be my next post but I will write a few for today.

What I am thankful for:
*some will sound lame, but I mean them
Having amazing parents, who though at times may seem over doting do so much for me and always want the best for me. They have given me and give me so much. And I would be nowhere without them.
The rest of my family, who I don't always appreciate enough but they are always there and they are awesome,
Having so many amazing people in my life, so many positive, happy good people that enhance my life and I love being around.
Having so many amazing opportunities in life. I believe each moment is an opportunity, you just got to take it. Kind of in yes man, how he always says yes and on the first episode of gossip girl this season though I cant say I always say yes.
Having good health, its so important and I feel like its not always appreciated till its gone or lessened, so I am appreciating it now.
Having clean water,
Being able to have good and yummy food, and having so many options.
Having the money to pay for what I need and many things I don't.
Having happiness in my life.

That's it for now. But it's start. I have to appreciate more what I have.

Happy thanksgiving!

Everyones doing it

Where I am living now, in a dorm like situation everyone seems to be have a boyfriend or girlfriend besides me. And a few others. I don't mean to sound sorry for myself though I probably will. Love blinds is a valid expression. Not just in the sense that you get blinded to the persons faults that you are in love with and to truths sometimes, but in the sense that you are wearing blinders and not seeing the rest of the world. People tend to not be so sensitive when they are in love. I am sure I wasn't to different but now I am the other side of the road. I want people, and especially my friends to be happy whether or not it's something I agree with such as pot or an unhealthy relationship. I want them to be happy and get the most out of life but does it have to be at the expense of others? We got to open up our eyes a little bit. Also when people are together it eliminates more friend options, because the couple is always together and even if they aren't you don't want to feel like the first 3rd wheel so it just gets uncomfortable. And everyone keeps making jokes that i am going to be the old cat lady that is single forever. In my mind I justify it that I am not settling for anyone and just waiting for the right guy because hes out there, and I don't want to keep settling for less. And I don't want to have meaningless hook ups all it does is add more guys to my list and pushes me away from finding the right guy. I want to get married there I said it. I want to build a life with someone, have children and begin real life, how ever it might get. I feel ready, I just need a guy that will love me, and accept me and be an awesome person. Until then I will just keep waiting and try not to be so frustrated. Side not- I like being alone with myself, getting to know myself better, and having more friendships. I am not the type of girl who needs to be with someone, to influence their self-esteem, to feel good about themselves and more. I love myself but I feel ready to be with someone in a meaningful relationship.

3 years

Yesterday was 3 years since I was raped. It was a little bit of a difficult day since it was on my mind a lot and I saw the event play out in my head a few times. But that's all right because it's no longer an everyday thing and rarely bothers me. I am happy its already been 3 years and more time is going on. I am trying to forget his face though I still can see it sometimes. Regardless it's alright and I am trying to convince myself it's ok. People wonder I never reported it to the police. But I never wanted to bring it up didn't want to have to deal with talking about it again and again- to police, lawyers etc. Having all my family, friends, and community know about it. And having to face him in court. I was not a minor when it happened and I did not go to the police afterwards so no rape kit was done, so what proof do they have. He would lie of course and why would I want to face that, hearing him deny it. Plus I sometimes doubt myself as to what happened, and I was just to scared to report it. I have dealt with it on my own with the help of some amazing people in my life and I am much stronger than those days, where I was crying all the time. But it still hurts sometimes. I don't like admitting that to people, I like saying I am fine and I made it through. I have in a way but sometimes it gets to me. Anyway enough of me being sorry for myself, as others try to comfort me by saying it could have been far worse. I started dating someone new, it's good and I like him. He's nice and sweet and all that. But I have realized something. Whenever I start a new relationship, I am very eager to get to know the guy, we start to get close, I tell him my secrets, we start to like each other and then I just hit an emotional wall. Like I like the guy but then I just don't feel like I can go any further emotionally, I guess I get a little scared inside and unsure of what to do. It's just the guy always understates his understanding of my past and his sensitivity to it. I guess maybe its cause hes male, maybe because no one can understand it unless they have been through something similar or just maybe because I expect more. Regardless it's just like sometimes when I get to a point in a relationship I feel very confused and scared emotionally wise. I am going to try and push past it and let someone try to break down my walls and let me trust them.

Falling to pieces

Yea that's kind of what happened last night. During the day I had a wonderful talk with a friend. We walked around for 3 hours, talking about everything since I haven't seen him in 2 months. We were playfully fighting and just having a great time. At night the guy I was seeing for only a week called and said he didn't want to see me anymore. I have not had a real relationship in about 10 months with one thing imbetween but overall I have been single for a while and with my last 2 breakups I haven't cried. But with this I lost it. I don't know if I was starting to like him, didn't understand why I was being rejected yet again or also petrified since tomorrow I am moving 6000 miles for good by myself and I am so scared but also excited. He was going to be in the same country for me and I was excited to think that I had a support system. He seemed liked the real deal. We weren't physical, no kiss or anything. It was sweet, slow, and smiple and felt right. It came out of the blue that he dumped me and it shouldn't matter as they say (I don't know who they is) that no guy is worth crying over and the one that is wont make you cry. There are very few guys that I have not cried over. This guy didst like me, goodbye, good luck and one to getting myself strong again, moving, settling in, finding my crowd and eventually dating when I find a good guy again. It's just weird because he gave me mixed signals he called me beautiful and his girl and said he loved to spend time with me and was going to miss me. Its just odd, he said he felt no connection and it felt like good friends. Thats how he felt and I;m happy he told me. But this brings me to a point I want to make. I think relationships should start off as good friends, not lust and romance. That doesn't last usually. Yes you should be dating and not just friends. But it should have all the things friendships have- like lots of laughter, comfortable being around each other, having a good time. I feel like everyone's looking for that crazy feeling to hit them, heart pounding like mad, butterflies in their stomach, tingling. Thats not what love is. Thats lust. Love comes out of true friendship, a mutual appreciation and respect for each other. i know it doesn't sound as much fun as lust but its longer lasting. That's what I'm looking for and thats what I found with this guy. Maybe he felt differently or maybe he doesn't believe in the friend first rule. Regardless Its ok. I had a lot of friends that calmed me down, I am doing fine, getting ready to move, and move on with my life.

Finally fearless

I tend to have conversations with myself every now and then. It helps me put everything into focus and I can be honest with myself. So I was doing this 2 days ago and I was driving to the library and I said to myself, what are you truly scared of. I thought for a minute and I realized nothing. For years rape, and abuse and being hurt by men were my biggest fears. But I'm just not scared anymore. I wana climb high on a cliff and scream to the world how happy and ok I am finally. It's not that I need the world to know, I just cant believe how I feel these days. It's just amazing. Everyday is a gift. Everyday is an adventure. I just feel so happy. Trust me I still get down, and angry and annoyed. But those are emotions I can control and they are in the healthy amount.  I still have things Im not so comfortable with but I wouldn't call them fears such as public speaking and yellow jackets (wasps). I'm just confident now. I feel like nothing can get in my way and I can do what I want. I never thought this day could ever come. I want to help people to get to this point. It's possible. I looove life.

Speedy

As you might of heard, last Monday 2010 Olympic Silver medalist Jeret Speedy Perterson was found dead in a canyon in Utah. He had shot himself. Plenty of suicides happen so why am I writing about this one? Well Jeret meant a lot to me. He was a freestyle skier with a move named after him called the hurricane- which involved 3 flips and 5 twists. He caught my eye right before the 2006 Olympics when there was an article is Sports Illustrated about him. I tore it out, put it on my wall next to my other sport articles, but this one I put so it would be the closest thing to me when I woke up. Jeret was an amazing athlete who was talented enough to be in 3 Olympics, win a silver medal, and win the 2005 world cup. But in other areas of his life he wasn't as fortunate. As a kid Jeret was molested by a family member, his sister was killed by a drunk-driver, and also lost his uncle. He went thtough depression and alcohol abuse because of all these traumatic events. And right before the 2006 games, his roommate who he had taken in to help him through his hard times committed suicide right in front of him. To see Jeret at the 2006 games on TV even though he did not win gave me strength. Here I was a 16 tear old kid dealing with abuse, feeling alone and that no one could understand me. I was lost. So I decided to write a letter to Jeret, the first and only time I ever wrote a letter to anyone famous. I wasnt expecting anything back but basically I told him how he gave me strength and inspiration. About less than a week after while I was on the phone with friends studying for a test, my mom came in my room and said Jeret was on the phone for me. I had not given him my number. My mother thought the whole thing was fishy but basically he had reassured her and she let me talk to him. I was shaking, could not believe he had taken the time to call some little kid. He gave me such strength. He told me there was sun on the other side of the mountain, I just had to keep climbing even though it was dark. He shared some other personal things with me, a total stranger to him. The advice he gave me helped me through some really dark and difficult times. He was my hero. He gave me his number and here and there I would text him. The last time I spoke to him was 4 years ago. What other athlete or other famous person would do the same? He told me he was ok and that he had gotten through his hard times and I will get through mine. Finally I made it through, I would say for the last 8 months or so I have been doing really well, I never though this time would come. I made it partially due to Jerets advice, it kept me going. I cried so much when I heard he was gone and that an amazing person is gone from this world. I just wish he could have taken his own advice, he must have been in so much pain that he couldn't stay here anymore. I know that I will miss him very badly as will many others who knew him much better than I ever did. Jeret I hope you have found peace and are no longer in pain from all the tragedies you went through and just know how much you helped me. God bless ya.

Quotes

None of my deep thought provoking wisdom today. Now don't be disappointed. I have something even better. Yes better is possible. I picked out some quotes I like and make me think. Enjoy!


Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. 
-Joshua Marine


Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
-Oscar Wilde


Believe you can and you're halfway there.
-Theodore Roosevelt


A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
-Winston Churchill


We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
-Winston Churchill


Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened.
-Winston Churchill


You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
-Winston Churchill


Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new
-Albert Einstein


Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Einstein


Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results
-Albert Einstein


If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough
-Albert Einstein


There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle
-Albert Einstein


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-Mark Twain


The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become
-Mark Twain


The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter
-Mark Twain


Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear (So true, I think about this a lot when I feel fear but choose to overcome it)
-Mark Twain 


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest
-Mark Twain


It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong
-Mahatma Gandhi


When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it
-Henry Ford


You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time
-Abraham Lincoln


Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
-Oscae Wilde


I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work
-Thomas Edison


When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you                                                                -African Proverb

An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep.                                  -Arab Proverb

So many great ones, that's all for now!

I've changed, deal with it

After being away from my hometown for 9 months I cam back about a month for 8 weeks before I move away for good. I was nervous to come back and for good reasons. While it's great to be with my family its also tough. I am enjoying living in a beautiful big clean house with a cleaning lady and a fridge that is always stocked with great food unlike my apartment which usually had mold and ice on most of our food. And the doting parents are great. As are seeing all my siblings and nieces and nephews who have gotten so big and are adorable. But driving around the town where I have lived almost all of my 21 years is a reminder of my mistakes, of my past. In that firehouse I hooked up with this guy, here I did xyz, where I go is a reminder of mistakes. Plus there are so many people I don't wish to see. Some that we just don't talk for various reasons, some that remind me of bad things, and some that I was friends with before I left. The ones that i was friends with before I left want to hang out with me. But I have rules now, I don't hang out at night or go out alone usually with guys. I am trying to be a better person than the one who left here last October. Last year I made a lot of mistakes. I still err time to time but I am deffintley a better person that who I used to be. I heard a guy who I hooked up with last year is going around calling me ugly and a slut. At first it upset me a lot but then I thought about it. Maybe I was a slut. How do you define a slut anyway? But I am not anymore. And the past doesnt matter anymore. I am a very good caring person now. But since being home I have had a lot of arguments with my last year friends how I cant hang with them, and its starting to get lonely around here since I keep pushing away the not so good influences in my life. I know its the right thing but the right thing is not always easy. I once heard a Rabbi say that you know you are doing the right thing when you have a lot of opposition. He was talking about a different thing but I think it kind of fits. i have made what are for me sacrifices. I am a night person, I love going out at all hours, meeting new people and partying. Now I am home  almost every night on the computer, watching a movie or something and its not easy to change my nature but I am trying to become a better person. I don't want to be a slut. Please accept my change, but if you don't, thats ok because you obviously don't want the real me. My ex said that change isn't becoming a different person but its becoming the real you, well I guess I am me now. Love me or get out of my life! (Sorry for the anger)

I'm not damaged

One of my biggest fears is that somebody would reject me for my past. This year I have learned to make peace with my past, accept what happened and to move on. I now know being molested was not my fault. i am not damaged. I am not dirty. I am just as whole as before hand. But not everyone realizes that, some people think that the pedophiles actions was partially my fault, but it has nothing to do with me. Recently I went on a date with a guy and I shared a tiny part of my past. I didn't share about rape or cutting or anything like that. Just one detail cause he kept pushing for it and I gave in.  But once I told him he didn't want to hear it and started freaking out. He was upset that I had told him when he had asked me to share what I was hiding. I was actually quite hurt by his uneducated reaction. And it bothered me the whole date. When I got home, my amazing friends explained to me that if he cared about me he wouldn't see this as a flaw. The more I thought about it the more I realized they made sense. I have had guys who were angry about it, but not at me, at those who hurt me. That made sense. But it freaked this guy out. I guess he didn't understand it. And that ok. But I hope one day someone will.

Reflections

I recently heard someone speak about how a birthday is an auspicious time, thats it time to reflect on your life. About where you were a year ago and where you want to be in a year. And while its not my birthday for about 3 more months, I feel not is a good time to reflect. If you had told me last year that I could ever be this happy I would have laughed in your face. I would have said you are so not realistic, I could never be that happy, I have so much shit in my life. But guess what? I am happy and doing so well. I finally feel what i feel is true happiness (I will explain the meaning of that in another post) Yes I disappoint myself, I cry and I get down. But those are all stepping stones to where I want to get. I dont get stuck. I make a mistake but I keep on going. A year ago I was involved with a lot of guys, doing whatever it took to feel happy to feel loved even temporarily. But none of that eased my pain, all it did was bring me down more. Going away for the year was the best decision I ever made (even though I made the decision for the wrong reasons). I am finally maturing, becoming my own person and living the life I want to live. Being single this year has allowed me to be selfish, in terms of making decisions for me, doing whats best for me and not having to sacrifice myself at a time when I need myself more than I need someone else in order to help me change. So though 22 is still a few months off, this year has been amazing, and crazy at the same time. I can't wait to see what else is in store in the future for me. Life is awesome!