3 years

Yesterday was 3 years since I was raped. It was a little bit of a difficult day since it was on my mind a lot and I saw the event play out in my head a few times. But that's all right because it's no longer an everyday thing and rarely bothers me. I am happy its already been 3 years and more time is going on. I am trying to forget his face though I still can see it sometimes. Regardless it's alright and I am trying to convince myself it's ok. People wonder I never reported it to the police. But I never wanted to bring it up didn't want to have to deal with talking about it again and again- to police, lawyers etc. Having all my family, friends, and community know about it. And having to face him in court. I was not a minor when it happened and I did not go to the police afterwards so no rape kit was done, so what proof do they have. He would lie of course and why would I want to face that, hearing him deny it. Plus I sometimes doubt myself as to what happened, and I was just to scared to report it. I have dealt with it on my own with the help of some amazing people in my life and I am much stronger than those days, where I was crying all the time. But it still hurts sometimes. I don't like admitting that to people, I like saying I am fine and I made it through. I have in a way but sometimes it gets to me. Anyway enough of me being sorry for myself, as others try to comfort me by saying it could have been far worse. I started dating someone new, it's good and I like him. He's nice and sweet and all that. But I have realized something. Whenever I start a new relationship, I am very eager to get to know the guy, we start to get close, I tell him my secrets, we start to like each other and then I just hit an emotional wall. Like I like the guy but then I just don't feel like I can go any further emotionally, I guess I get a little scared inside and unsure of what to do. It's just the guy always understates his understanding of my past and his sensitivity to it. I guess maybe its cause hes male, maybe because no one can understand it unless they have been through something similar or just maybe because I expect more. Regardless it's just like sometimes when I get to a point in a relationship I feel very confused and scared emotionally wise. I am going to try and push past it and let someone try to break down my walls and let me trust them.