Thursday, November 24, 2011

Off of my head

I hardly ever write anymore. Not sure why. I do have crappy internet where I am, and am hardly ever online which I think is a really good thing. But thats not an excuse. I think all the time of things I want to write but rarely write them. Well here goes some random thoughts.
I am currently living in a college dorm type of environment where theres almost always something to do, such as climbing trees, punching a punching bag, learning how to fight, volunteering somewhere or watching a movie with friends. I am busy most of the time and am very happy. I have found a lot of awesome friends and deffintley am the most outgoing I have ever been. I have finally found some really good guyfriends, most who are in relationships who are just good friends, they are hysterical and fun to be with and I know nothing will ever happen. It feels good not to be with guys who are trying to get into my pants. I have found such a good group of friends. I am so going to have laugh lines when I am older. They say adults laugh less than 20 times a day, I have heard it's 14. I totally beat that. It sometimes hurts to laugh so much. Yea theres still drama, and theres still downs and stuff but I think I finally have accepted my past and have control of it. It might be more complicated when I start dating, but I believe when I find a geninue sincer, loving, good person I will be just fine.
I have dreams. I feel like I made it through my personal hard-time, my personal furnace. It was not an easy fight and I did a lottttt of bad things and amde a lot of mistakes. I try not to dwell on them and I hardly think of them, but those years were very hard and I am so happy I amde it through and made it ok. But I want to help kids who are still going through it, who want a hand to hold, a safe place to go to when they are on their difficult journey. I can't solve their problems for them but I can be there for them. Maybe start an organization, give them a place to live, educate them so they have a career for a future, a person who loves them, things to keep them occupied so they don't get into to much trouble and just to be a shoulder to cry on. I am not qualified but I hope I can make a difference. Many people were there for me and helped me in ways they don't even know.
I hat sounding so negative and that the abuse and stuff defines me but it was such a big part of my life and influenced my life in so many way, so I do talk about it often on here, though not much to anyone else. i really bring it up to one or two people from time to time.
I am smiling as I write this. I just feel happy. Last night at dinner I mentioned to a friend I want a baby. He asked why? I said I feel so full of love and I want to share it. He said why not find a guy, I said I'd prefer a baby, I don't need to be loved I just want to love something fully and give him/her everything s/he needs. Obviously I am going to wait until I am in a relationship and till I am married but I do want one.

On a completely different note, I started listening to podcasts when I am working and trying to sleep and they are great! Free and some are so interesting. Took this long for me to get into it but better late than never. Radiolab is awesome! So funny and entertaining. So stimulating you don't feel like your'e just listening. I always have new facts and stories to share at breakfast..

Not having a real thanksgiving tonight, since I am not in America so slightly sad. I do miss it. But we will still have dessert and American cereal, maybe watch a NFL game and go around and say what we are thankful for, so many things. Maybe that will be my next post but I will write a few for today.

What I am thankful for:
*some will sound lame, but I mean them
Having amazing parents, who though at times may seem over doting do so much for me and always want the best for me. They have given me and give me so much. And I would be nowhere without them.
The rest of my family, who I don't always appreciate enough but they are always there and they are awesome,
Having so many amazing people in my life, so many positive, happy good people that enhance my life and I love being around.
Having so many amazing opportunities in life. I believe each moment is an opportunity, you just got to take it. Kind of in yes man, how he always says yes and on the first episode of gossip girl this season though I cant say I always say yes.
Having good health, its so important and I feel like its not always appreciated till its gone or lessened, so I am appreciating it now.
Having clean water,
Being able to have good and yummy food, and having so many options.
Having the money to pay for what I need and many things I don't.
Having happiness in my life.

That's it for now. But it's start. I have to appreciate more what I have.

Happy thanksgiving!