Thanks for being a good guy

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I had been sick the last few days so it felt great to get out of bed. I went into town to take care of things and then hung out with 2 guys, each one separately. After my night was over I called one of my closest friends and gave her a recap of the day, I told her with pure happiness in my voice that neither of the guys even tried to make a move! She answered thats nothing to be happy about, that's how it always should be. She might be right, but that's not how it is for me. Most of the guys I tend to hang out with usually only want me for my body. It was so nice last night to just chill and hang with them. Listening to them, them listening to me without them trying to get in my pants. The first guy and I walked to this beautiful park, watched the dogs run around, and laid on the grass and looked up at the sky. The second guy and I met friends we both knew and hung out with them for a while before going to get sushi, which he paid for and then just talked about everything while he walked me 3/4 of the way to my bus. On the bus on the way home I started talking to a random soldier who was telling me about his future dreams. Didn't ask for my number, facebook name or anything. Just a nice conversation with a stranger. People have been telling me for years that there are nice guys out there and I never believed them. I don't know why but after all the abuse I was drawn to guys who kept hurting me. Not in the same way but they weren't good people, they were guys who took advantage of me and never valued me for who I am. In the last few months I am finally belieing what people have told me. Just because I have surrounded myself with bad people doesn't mean the good ones don't exist. I am starting to meet some really good people which is really changing my outlook in life. As I used to say to the few good guys I knew- thanks for being a good guy.

Stop playing with my emotions

I wrote this is class last week.  Its self-explanatory but shows my fear of letting people anyone into my life. Im so scared of trusting again, of loving again. Months ago I locked my heart up and threw away the key and I made myself my support system, my whole life and decided I dont need guys. 

stop!

playing with my heart

I wont let go

I cant!

these walls I built

are what kept me safe

what keep me safe

stop knocking them down

every sweet thing you say 

every I love you

knocks down a brick

of my inner fort

nobody ahs protected me

despite their many promises

I have been alone

In a cold scary dark world

but I have been fine

I am fine

but then you say you love me

and I fall apart

Dear rapist

Dear rapist,
Its been close to 3 years now since you pushed me down on the bed, took my virginity, disrespected my no, took away my voice, made me hate sex, fear men, and push myself away from so many people. Thanks by the way. Not for the pain and tears I've cried but rather for letting me find strength in places I didn't know I have. Because of what you did I changed from a girl to a woman, from being naive to being aware of the dangers of the world, from trusting people to putting down so many fences and forts thats I wont let anyone in. I could hate you, but instead I'm just really sorry for you. You seriously couldn't get it without pushing someone down and pounding her while she screamed and cried? You have a hand for a reason, learn to use it. Youre a miserable low life, who has no clue what you did to me. I have had offers to hurt you, but I never took anyone up on it. Cause what would I gain? The physical pain anybody would cause to you could never compare to the emotional pain and trauma you and others have caused. Plus I am not you, I try my best not to hurt people. Yes I have nightmares and flashbacks and wake up screaming time to time. And the first time I had sex after you took my virginity from me, I made him stop cause all I could see was your face and not my boyfriend. I even have physical scars from the emotional pain you caused. I might be scared of sex and had plenty of sex with random guys in hope the fear would dissipate, but I have learned how to deal with fear and how to deal with tough times. I will survive this, stronger than before I ever met you. I will be a better person, but you will always be a rapist.