Mumble jumble

It's going great. It feels so good to be treated right by a guy for once. Most of my relationships started out good but they got pretty controlling and some even verbally abusive after a while. But this one seems good. I like him. I like that I can be myself around him. And I have no complaints. But after being with him, for 2 days which were great I feel worse being apart. I feel empty and kind of nervous and I am not sure why. We touched, and cuddle, and more and its all great. He even asked if I was ok because I guess he saw that i got scared. I said I was because it's to early to tell him about my past and explain certain things about me. For some reason I get shy and awkward around him and especially around his friends. Its weird. I like him, but I want more. I don't know. Its like I don't want to let someone in and then when I let them I want to let them in all the way. A lot of my good friends arent around for the next week or two and I think that's why I am kind of overreacting and just getting nervous and doubting myself. Thinngs are great and I just have to get used to them being awesome. And go slow. Also I am trying to figure out plans for summer and for next year which is slightly stressful but it will work out.

On more solid ground

I am better now. After my last post, which seemed like a little freak out. I am usually ok but I got scared/nervous.  Since then I have been doing great and taking things as they come. Applying to school and getting ready for the next chapter of my life. What I got to keep in mind is that life has its uphills and downhills and when things get bad I got to just ride the wave out and wait for things to get better. Or do my best to make things better. Cause things are great now. I have some really awesome friends. Have a great boyfriend. Volunteering/working in a place I love. And have great relationships with my family. Thank God. I still think back to when things were so much worse and I never thought I would meet good people. I feel like I have finally learnt how to take control of my life and let the right people in. That and God is really leading me. I know my posts are bipolar, they go back and forth dependent on how things are going. Plus I usually post more when things aren't so good because I need an outlet. But things are great.

Letting you in

I have finally met someone so nice, so awesome. It's going great! He's super thoughtful and so much of what I have been looking for. I guess most people in any relationship that's just a few months a long would feel unsure and maybe even a little nervous. But I feel it so much, I am so scared of getting close. The guy thinks I am so brave, because I don't mind snakes and heights and things like that. But I have so many fears! I feel like I analyze everything in a relationship. I don't want to have to explain to a guy why I need to be cuddled and cared for more. And why he needs to go slow with me. I do not want to be needy. I have not told him about my past yet, I have not shown him my emotional side. I will not be clingy, I will not be emotional. I need to be strong. I want to make this work so bad. But it hurts. It's great it's going so slow. In a way I really like that, that we are taking our time, no commitments, no head over heels obsessions. Just slow. But it also makes me more skeptical in a way. I want to be normal. I don't want to tell a guy that certain ways of having sex scare me and things like that. I want him to have a normal girlfriend. Even if he/or someone else accepts me for the way I am, I don't want him to have to do that. I am being really stupid about this. I guess the best way to describe it, is just feeling scared. I kind of feel worse sometimes after being with a guy, like emptier. I just feel uncompleted. I am going to work on it and hope times heal it like it has healed most things. Otherwise things are awesome!!!

What hurts the most is being so close.

I have been doing as lot of thinking lately. Trying to figure out why hooking up scares me and feels so empty. I think I kind of understand now. When I was raped, it was still sex, and at times my body even felt good despite what was happening and how scared I was. But when it ended I felt terrible, sad, and empty. In my mind sex, and hooking up is the end and disappointing. When I used to just hook up with guys, and I knew it was just going to be that I probably still felt empty to some degree but I knew that it was just a hook up and that was fine. But when I have hooked up in a relationship, I want it to be good, I want to feel more than just physical pleasure, I want to feel safe, protected, and cared for after. I don't want it to end with sex/hooking up. I am scared/ambivalent to hook up now even in a good relationship. I don't want it to ruin it. I wonder if we waited for a while, and I really learnt to trust the guy before he touched me, would I feel better after we hooked up and not want to leave him. It's easier for me to sleep with a guy I don't care about than someone I do and I don't know why. Even with writing all this I am still unsure what about it scares me so much. I know I can't deny touch to a guy I date but I don't want to break up with him because I freak out after. I am hoping I will figure it out :)