What hurts the most is being so close.

I have been doing as lot of thinking lately. Trying to figure out why hooking up scares me and feels so empty. I think I kind of understand now. When I was raped, it was still sex, and at times my body even felt good despite what was happening and how scared I was. But when it ended I felt terrible, sad, and empty. In my mind sex, and hooking up is the end and disappointing. When I used to just hook up with guys, and I knew it was just going to be that I probably still felt empty to some degree but I knew that it was just a hook up and that was fine. But when I have hooked up in a relationship, I want it to be good, I want to feel more than just physical pleasure, I want to feel safe, protected, and cared for after. I don't want it to end with sex/hooking up. I am scared/ambivalent to hook up now even in a good relationship. I don't want it to ruin it. I wonder if we waited for a while, and I really learnt to trust the guy before he touched me, would I feel better after we hooked up and not want to leave him. It's easier for me to sleep with a guy I don't care about than someone I do and I don't know why. Even with writing all this I am still unsure what about it scares me so much. I know I can't deny touch to a guy I date but I don't want to break up with him because I freak out after. I am hoping I will figure it out :)