I'm not damaged

One of my biggest fears is that somebody would reject me for my past. This year I have learned to make peace with my past, accept what happened and to move on. I now know being molested was not my fault. i am not damaged. I am not dirty. I am just as whole as before hand. But not everyone realizes that, some people think that the pedophiles actions was partially my fault, but it has nothing to do with me. Recently I went on a date with a guy and I shared a tiny part of my past. I didn't share about rape or cutting or anything like that. Just one detail cause he kept pushing for it and I gave in.  But once I told him he didn't want to hear it and started freaking out. He was upset that I had told him when he had asked me to share what I was hiding. I was actually quite hurt by his uneducated reaction. And it bothered me the whole date. When I got home, my amazing friends explained to me that if he cared about me he wouldn't see this as a flaw. The more I thought about it the more I realized they made sense. I have had guys who were angry about it, but not at me, at those who hurt me. That made sense. But it freaked this guy out. I guess he didn't understand it. And that ok. But I hope one day someone will.

Reflections

I recently heard someone speak about how a birthday is an auspicious time, thats it time to reflect on your life. About where you were a year ago and where you want to be in a year. And while its not my birthday for about 3 more months, I feel not is a good time to reflect. If you had told me last year that I could ever be this happy I would have laughed in your face. I would have said you are so not realistic, I could never be that happy, I have so much shit in my life. But guess what? I am happy and doing so well. I finally feel what i feel is true happiness (I will explain the meaning of that in another post) Yes I disappoint myself, I cry and I get down. But those are all stepping stones to where I want to get. I dont get stuck. I make a mistake but I keep on going. A year ago I was involved with a lot of guys, doing whatever it took to feel happy to feel loved even temporarily. But none of that eased my pain, all it did was bring me down more. Going away for the year was the best decision I ever made (even though I made the decision for the wrong reasons). I am finally maturing, becoming my own person and living the life I want to live. Being single this year has allowed me to be selfish, in terms of making decisions for me, doing whats best for me and not having to sacrifice myself at a time when I need myself more than I need someone else in order to help me change. So though 22 is still a few months off, this year has been amazing, and crazy at the same time. I can't wait to see what else is in store in the future for me. Life is awesome!