Being yourself

I think that sometimes we all feel like we have to act differently to please other people, whether our family, boss or a potential date but I feel the best thing we can be is ourselves. I think as a kid I was a bit shy and tried to hide who I was a little to fit in, and then as I went through high school and I was depressed and burdened with all the emotions of being abused and feeling isolated in addition to all the other wonderful feelings that come with adolescence, I definitley was not able to be myself. And then post high school with being raped, and trying to fit into new environments, as well as my constant battle with religion I was just being the person the people I hung around with wanted me to be. In the last year or so, moving away and becoming friend with different/better people, plus putting my past in a long term coma, I have seen parts of the real me come out. Thee quirky crazy parts of my personality that most people have never seen. Like the crazy energy I get, that instead of walking around something I jump over it. Or say things that people will think is slightly weird, but will make them laugh.Positive things to. I am a lot more confident about who I am and therefore people embrace it. I still want to be better about saying my opinion and whats on my mind and I usually do. And people appreciate me for me and that's the best thing I can ask for!

Change

Been a while. Just can't seem to write anymore. Kind of odd since I have so much free time. Anyway life is pretty much the same. I am healthy, safe and happy. I have become more religious though. I stopped wearing pants and instead wear skirts to the knees. In Judaism there's a concept of tznius, which means modesty. There's a dress-code- wearing a skirt that covers the knees, covering the elbows and collar bone, and no tight revealing clothes. But tznius is more than that, its being modest in the way that you interact with people. And while it might sound stifling, what it really does is allows you to be respected by yourself and others. These days girls show almost all of their body to the world. Where's the beauty in that? I have worn mini skirts, and I still wear short sleeves, semi low collared shirt. But does the whole world need to see what our body looks like? Do we not have a lot in terms of our personality and characteristics to offer that we need to distract from the person we are with our body? Guys can still be attracted to you this way. There's another concept in Judaism called shomer negiah. This one probably makes even less sense. literally translated, shomer negiah means guarding touch. When applied it means not touching anyone of the opposite gender. From the time you are 12/13 you don't touch anyone of the opposite gender, besides your mother/father, sister/brother, grandmother/grandfather and once you are married your wife/husband. This might sound like such a ridiculous custom but I believe there's beauty in it. These days  people have one night stands and sex with people they hardly know (me included), giving themselves to people who don't love or touch them just to have a good time. Imagine not touching a guy for years, and then finally meeting someone you really care about, and being able to see he cares about you and loves you too because the physical aspect of a relationship doesn't get in the way. And then at your wedding him taking your hand in his and eventually sleeping with him, think how intense that touch must be, when you have not touched another guy. Its crazy difficult but I think there's such a beaut to it and such respect. I grew up very religious and was never in an environment with guys my age. So until I was almost 18 I never touched a guy, not even hugging or anything. I met someone and after we knew each other for about 6 or 7 weeks we held hands for the first time, it was such an intense feeling. Now when I hold hands with a guy, it's nice and it feels good but I am numb to it. Touch should be intense and saved for the right person. Not for many people. So for about the last month I have not touched a guy. It's hard to tell new people not to touch me, and even harder to tell my guy friends we can't hug or fight, or even to sit to close to each other on the couch. But some people really respect it. Some guys are like don't be shomer negiah, that's stupid, why are you denying yourself pleasure? I am temporarily delaying short term pleasure so I can have better long lasting pleasure. I don't want to meet a guy that I end up marrying and the day before we met I had sex with another guy. I am not re-saving myself, but my not touching guys, it's making touch more special. And it also helps me get involved with the right guys- guys who will go out with me even if they can't touch me and hook up. I met a guy recently, just a few days after I became shomer negiah. He was not religious and from a very different background than me. He asked to go on a walk, and I was like shoot, he thinks we can go hook up. So on our walk I told him how I am trying to work on myself etc. He asked me a lot of questions about it, but he said that's great. And he asked me on a date and said he would do his hardest not to touch me. I really like this guy. But I thought it so weird for a secular guy who could get most girls, to want to go out with someone he can't touch, hold hands or hook up with. Yea don't get me wrong, I do think I am a great person, but not enough for a guy to want to deny themselves of things most guys want. We went on a date and he totally respected me, had great conversation, took me to nice places, never got to close to me, but did make some slightly perverted jokes. I don't know if he wants to go out again, to just be friends, or nothing. But I do think that it would be hard to continue a relationship like this. I don't expect nor want a guy to change for me. A lot of religious Jews date through a system called the shidduch system. Basically you get set up by people call shadchanim (matchmakers), some are professionals, some are just people who know you. They ask questions about your personality, your background, your views on religion, how you picture your future and then try to set you up with someone they believe is in a similar place in life as you and has similar life goals. It is weird, because it is a blind date though sometimes you do get to see pictures. And it's not without its own flaws but it does ensure that you are both looking for a relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, unlike two people who just meet and one might be looking for something more serious than the other. Regardless these are my thought for now and where I am at though I should write more. I like how having a blog makes me think in a different way, how to post my thoughts and therefore i formulate my thoughts in a similar manner.