Falling to pieces

Yea that's kind of what happened last night. During the day I had a wonderful talk with a friend. We walked around for 3 hours, talking about everything since I haven't seen him in 2 months. We were playfully fighting and just having a great time. At night the guy I was seeing for only a week called and said he didn't want to see me anymore. I have not had a real relationship in about 10 months with one thing imbetween but overall I have been single for a while and with my last 2 breakups I haven't cried. But with this I lost it. I don't know if I was starting to like him, didn't understand why I was being rejected yet again or also petrified since tomorrow I am moving 6000 miles for good by myself and I am so scared but also excited. He was going to be in the same country for me and I was excited to think that I had a support system. He seemed liked the real deal. We weren't physical, no kiss or anything. It was sweet, slow, and smiple and felt right. It came out of the blue that he dumped me and it shouldn't matter as they say (I don't know who they is) that no guy is worth crying over and the one that is wont make you cry. There are very few guys that I have not cried over. This guy didst like me, goodbye, good luck and one to getting myself strong again, moving, settling in, finding my crowd and eventually dating when I find a good guy again. It's just weird because he gave me mixed signals he called me beautiful and his girl and said he loved to spend time with me and was going to miss me. Its just odd, he said he felt no connection and it felt like good friends. Thats how he felt and I;m happy he told me. But this brings me to a point I want to make. I think relationships should start off as good friends, not lust and romance. That doesn't last usually. Yes you should be dating and not just friends. But it should have all the things friendships have- like lots of laughter, comfortable being around each other, having a good time. I feel like everyone's looking for that crazy feeling to hit them, heart pounding like mad, butterflies in their stomach, tingling. Thats not what love is. Thats lust. Love comes out of true friendship, a mutual appreciation and respect for each other. i know it doesn't sound as much fun as lust but its longer lasting. That's what I'm looking for and thats what I found with this guy. Maybe he felt differently or maybe he doesn't believe in the friend first rule. Regardless Its ok. I had a lot of friends that calmed me down, I am doing fine, getting ready to move, and move on with my life.

Finally fearless

I tend to have conversations with myself every now and then. It helps me put everything into focus and I can be honest with myself. So I was doing this 2 days ago and I was driving to the library and I said to myself, what are you truly scared of. I thought for a minute and I realized nothing. For years rape, and abuse and being hurt by men were my biggest fears. But I'm just not scared anymore. I wana climb high on a cliff and scream to the world how happy and ok I am finally. It's not that I need the world to know, I just cant believe how I feel these days. It's just amazing. Everyday is a gift. Everyday is an adventure. I just feel so happy. Trust me I still get down, and angry and annoyed. But those are emotions I can control and they are in the healthy amount.  I still have things Im not so comfortable with but I wouldn't call them fears such as public speaking and yellow jackets (wasps). I'm just confident now. I feel like nothing can get in my way and I can do what I want. I never thought this day could ever come. I want to help people to get to this point. It's possible. I looove life.

Speedy

As you might of heard, last Monday 2010 Olympic Silver medalist Jeret Speedy Perterson was found dead in a canyon in Utah. He had shot himself. Plenty of suicides happen so why am I writing about this one? Well Jeret meant a lot to me. He was a freestyle skier with a move named after him called the hurricane- which involved 3 flips and 5 twists. He caught my eye right before the 2006 Olympics when there was an article is Sports Illustrated about him. I tore it out, put it on my wall next to my other sport articles, but this one I put so it would be the closest thing to me when I woke up. Jeret was an amazing athlete who was talented enough to be in 3 Olympics, win a silver medal, and win the 2005 world cup. But in other areas of his life he wasn't as fortunate. As a kid Jeret was molested by a family member, his sister was killed by a drunk-driver, and also lost his uncle. He went thtough depression and alcohol abuse because of all these traumatic events. And right before the 2006 games, his roommate who he had taken in to help him through his hard times committed suicide right in front of him. To see Jeret at the 2006 games on TV even though he did not win gave me strength. Here I was a 16 tear old kid dealing with abuse, feeling alone and that no one could understand me. I was lost. So I decided to write a letter to Jeret, the first and only time I ever wrote a letter to anyone famous. I wasnt expecting anything back but basically I told him how he gave me strength and inspiration. About less than a week after while I was on the phone with friends studying for a test, my mom came in my room and said Jeret was on the phone for me. I had not given him my number. My mother thought the whole thing was fishy but basically he had reassured her and she let me talk to him. I was shaking, could not believe he had taken the time to call some little kid. He gave me such strength. He told me there was sun on the other side of the mountain, I just had to keep climbing even though it was dark. He shared some other personal things with me, a total stranger to him. The advice he gave me helped me through some really dark and difficult times. He was my hero. He gave me his number and here and there I would text him. The last time I spoke to him was 4 years ago. What other athlete or other famous person would do the same? He told me he was ok and that he had gotten through his hard times and I will get through mine. Finally I made it through, I would say for the last 8 months or so I have been doing really well, I never though this time would come. I made it partially due to Jerets advice, it kept me going. I cried so much when I heard he was gone and that an amazing person is gone from this world. I just wish he could have taken his own advice, he must have been in so much pain that he couldn't stay here anymore. I know that I will miss him very badly as will many others who knew him much better than I ever did. Jeret I hope you have found peace and are no longer in pain from all the tragedies you went through and just know how much you helped me. God bless ya.