It's over

The relationship I had posted about a few times ended more than a month ago. I was really sad, the day of and the day after but after that the sadness was replaced with anger. He ended it because he wasn't ready for something serious. I had asked so many times at the start, I had been so clear about what I wanted, what I needed. I guess he didn't realize it until he was in for a few months. And obviously I don't want him to feel trapped, and not to have the life experiences he wants. He wanted a friendship, I want nothing. It's good this way. My friends took such good care of me the day after. They bought me so much chocolate, oreos, and other food. Every few minutes people were knocking on my door, couldn't even read a book. But two days later I was fine thanks to my awesome friends. I was more disappointed than anything else. Since then I have been on quite a few dates, none of them that have gone further than the second date. Either the guy has been nice, and sweet but nothing more there or I liked the guy and he didn't want to go out again. Which is fine. I have been keeping busy with some good friends, and my family. Things are good. Deffintley not as happy as I usually am, but kind of in a transition stage in terms of living, school, dating and some other things. It will all work out :)

I love you

Yes, whoever who you are I love you for reading my blog and for being awesome. But more than that, I have realized something. I have said I love you to about three guys but I don't think I have loved any of them. I have been in a relationship now for almost three months and what I feel is joy of being with someone I have a lot in common with who can make me laugh, I feel valued, appreciated and even cared for, I feel happy not to be alone, and I feel passion to be with someone new who i think is cute and also seems to be a great giving amazing guy. I think these are similar feelings to what most of us feel in the beginning of any new good relationship. But sometimes we confuse the good feeling of being with someone we admire for love. What I believe love is, is that it is appreciating someone for who they are. I know that sounds like such a boring definition. Love is supposed to grow not fizzle away. Love should get stronger with the years. Lust and passion can fizzle away if there's nothing stronger behind it. Love is seeing the person who they are with all their faults, and learning more about them, seeing them in all their goodness and flaws and accepting them for that, never trying to change them. Therefore love takes a while to develop and can't be love at first sight. Can be lust at first sight. But on a first impression you can't fully appreciate the person for who they are. You don't know them. So the longer the couple is together for and appreciating each other and seeing more sides of each others personality and who they are the stronger the love will grow. With that perspective I think it takes a lot of pressure off of the relationship. I don't need to hear I love you. In all my other relationships we had said I love you in a shorter time period than the relationship I am in. I am not expecting it. We are not even close to that point. It's slow. I want to be friends with him. Possibly best friend. Just get along have fun. I want to know he cares for me and even likes me, but I can tell in what he does. My father always said action speaks louder than words and that a guy can say what you want to hear but you should look at what he does. And that's what I am doing now, I see how thoughtful he is, buying my favorite candy he heard me mention once, printing a funny picture, bringing a blanket all the small things. That shows he cares. And if this relationship is meant to last, love will come. I appreciate him for who he is and I can see he appreciates me. That's all I want.

Mumble jumble

It's going great. It feels so good to be treated right by a guy for once. Most of my relationships started out good but they got pretty controlling and some even verbally abusive after a while. But this one seems good. I like him. I like that I can be myself around him. And I have no complaints. But after being with him, for 2 days which were great I feel worse being apart. I feel empty and kind of nervous and I am not sure why. We touched, and cuddle, and more and its all great. He even asked if I was ok because I guess he saw that i got scared. I said I was because it's to early to tell him about my past and explain certain things about me. For some reason I get shy and awkward around him and especially around his friends. Its weird. I like him, but I want more. I don't know. Its like I don't want to let someone in and then when I let them I want to let them in all the way. A lot of my good friends arent around for the next week or two and I think that's why I am kind of overreacting and just getting nervous and doubting myself. Thinngs are great and I just have to get used to them being awesome. And go slow. Also I am trying to figure out plans for summer and for next year which is slightly stressful but it will work out.

On more solid ground

I am better now. After my last post, which seemed like a little freak out. I am usually ok but I got scared/nervous.  Since then I have been doing great and taking things as they come. Applying to school and getting ready for the next chapter of my life. What I got to keep in mind is that life has its uphills and downhills and when things get bad I got to just ride the wave out and wait for things to get better. Or do my best to make things better. Cause things are great now. I have some really awesome friends. Have a great boyfriend. Volunteering/working in a place I love. And have great relationships with my family. Thank God. I still think back to when things were so much worse and I never thought I would meet good people. I feel like I have finally learnt how to take control of my life and let the right people in. That and God is really leading me. I know my posts are bipolar, they go back and forth dependent on how things are going. Plus I usually post more when things aren't so good because I need an outlet. But things are great.

Letting you in

I have finally met someone so nice, so awesome. It's going great! He's super thoughtful and so much of what I have been looking for. I guess most people in any relationship that's just a few months a long would feel unsure and maybe even a little nervous. But I feel it so much, I am so scared of getting close. The guy thinks I am so brave, because I don't mind snakes and heights and things like that. But I have so many fears! I feel like I analyze everything in a relationship. I don't want to have to explain to a guy why I need to be cuddled and cared for more. And why he needs to go slow with me. I do not want to be needy. I have not told him about my past yet, I have not shown him my emotional side. I will not be clingy, I will not be emotional. I need to be strong. I want to make this work so bad. But it hurts. It's great it's going so slow. In a way I really like that, that we are taking our time, no commitments, no head over heels obsessions. Just slow. But it also makes me more skeptical in a way. I want to be normal. I don't want to tell a guy that certain ways of having sex scare me and things like that. I want him to have a normal girlfriend. Even if he/or someone else accepts me for the way I am, I don't want him to have to do that. I am being really stupid about this. I guess the best way to describe it, is just feeling scared. I kind of feel worse sometimes after being with a guy, like emptier. I just feel uncompleted. I am going to work on it and hope times heal it like it has healed most things. Otherwise things are awesome!!!

What hurts the most is being so close.

I have been doing as lot of thinking lately. Trying to figure out why hooking up scares me and feels so empty. I think I kind of understand now. When I was raped, it was still sex, and at times my body even felt good despite what was happening and how scared I was. But when it ended I felt terrible, sad, and empty. In my mind sex, and hooking up is the end and disappointing. When I used to just hook up with guys, and I knew it was just going to be that I probably still felt empty to some degree but I knew that it was just a hook up and that was fine. But when I have hooked up in a relationship, I want it to be good, I want to feel more than just physical pleasure, I want to feel safe, protected, and cared for after. I don't want it to end with sex/hooking up. I am scared/ambivalent to hook up now even in a good relationship. I don't want it to ruin it. I wonder if we waited for a while, and I really learnt to trust the guy before he touched me, would I feel better after we hooked up and not want to leave him. It's easier for me to sleep with a guy I don't care about than someone I do and I don't know why. Even with writing all this I am still unsure what about it scares me so much. I know I can't deny touch to a guy I date but I don't want to break up with him because I freak out after. I am hoping I will figure it out :)

Being yourself

I think that sometimes we all feel like we have to act differently to please other people, whether our family, boss or a potential date but I feel the best thing we can be is ourselves. I think as a kid I was a bit shy and tried to hide who I was a little to fit in, and then as I went through high school and I was depressed and burdened with all the emotions of being abused and feeling isolated in addition to all the other wonderful feelings that come with adolescence, I definitley was not able to be myself. And then post high school with being raped, and trying to fit into new environments, as well as my constant battle with religion I was just being the person the people I hung around with wanted me to be. In the last year or so, moving away and becoming friend with different/better people, plus putting my past in a long term coma, I have seen parts of the real me come out. Thee quirky crazy parts of my personality that most people have never seen. Like the crazy energy I get, that instead of walking around something I jump over it. Or say things that people will think is slightly weird, but will make them laugh.Positive things to. I am a lot more confident about who I am and therefore people embrace it. I still want to be better about saying my opinion and whats on my mind and I usually do. And people appreciate me for me and that's the best thing I can ask for!

Change

Been a while. Just can't seem to write anymore. Kind of odd since I have so much free time. Anyway life is pretty much the same. I am healthy, safe and happy. I have become more religious though. I stopped wearing pants and instead wear skirts to the knees. In Judaism there's a concept of tznius, which means modesty. There's a dress-code- wearing a skirt that covers the knees, covering the elbows and collar bone, and no tight revealing clothes. But tznius is more than that, its being modest in the way that you interact with people. And while it might sound stifling, what it really does is allows you to be respected by yourself and others. These days girls show almost all of their body to the world. Where's the beauty in that? I have worn mini skirts, and I still wear short sleeves, semi low collared shirt. But does the whole world need to see what our body looks like? Do we not have a lot in terms of our personality and characteristics to offer that we need to distract from the person we are with our body? Guys can still be attracted to you this way. There's another concept in Judaism called shomer negiah. This one probably makes even less sense. literally translated, shomer negiah means guarding touch. When applied it means not touching anyone of the opposite gender. From the time you are 12/13 you don't touch anyone of the opposite gender, besides your mother/father, sister/brother, grandmother/grandfather and once you are married your wife/husband. This might sound like such a ridiculous custom but I believe there's beauty in it. These days  people have one night stands and sex with people they hardly know (me included), giving themselves to people who don't love or touch them just to have a good time. Imagine not touching a guy for years, and then finally meeting someone you really care about, and being able to see he cares about you and loves you too because the physical aspect of a relationship doesn't get in the way. And then at your wedding him taking your hand in his and eventually sleeping with him, think how intense that touch must be, when you have not touched another guy. Its crazy difficult but I think there's such a beaut to it and such respect. I grew up very religious and was never in an environment with guys my age. So until I was almost 18 I never touched a guy, not even hugging or anything. I met someone and after we knew each other for about 6 or 7 weeks we held hands for the first time, it was such an intense feeling. Now when I hold hands with a guy, it's nice and it feels good but I am numb to it. Touch should be intense and saved for the right person. Not for many people. So for about the last month I have not touched a guy. It's hard to tell new people not to touch me, and even harder to tell my guy friends we can't hug or fight, or even to sit to close to each other on the couch. But some people really respect it. Some guys are like don't be shomer negiah, that's stupid, why are you denying yourself pleasure? I am temporarily delaying short term pleasure so I can have better long lasting pleasure. I don't want to meet a guy that I end up marrying and the day before we met I had sex with another guy. I am not re-saving myself, but my not touching guys, it's making touch more special. And it also helps me get involved with the right guys- guys who will go out with me even if they can't touch me and hook up. I met a guy recently, just a few days after I became shomer negiah. He was not religious and from a very different background than me. He asked to go on a walk, and I was like shoot, he thinks we can go hook up. So on our walk I told him how I am trying to work on myself etc. He asked me a lot of questions about it, but he said that's great. And he asked me on a date and said he would do his hardest not to touch me. I really like this guy. But I thought it so weird for a secular guy who could get most girls, to want to go out with someone he can't touch, hold hands or hook up with. Yea don't get me wrong, I do think I am a great person, but not enough for a guy to want to deny themselves of things most guys want. We went on a date and he totally respected me, had great conversation, took me to nice places, never got to close to me, but did make some slightly perverted jokes. I don't know if he wants to go out again, to just be friends, or nothing. But I do think that it would be hard to continue a relationship like this. I don't expect nor want a guy to change for me. A lot of religious Jews date through a system called the shidduch system. Basically you get set up by people call shadchanim (matchmakers), some are professionals, some are just people who know you. They ask questions about your personality, your background, your views on religion, how you picture your future and then try to set you up with someone they believe is in a similar place in life as you and has similar life goals. It is weird, because it is a blind date though sometimes you do get to see pictures. And it's not without its own flaws but it does ensure that you are both looking for a relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, unlike two people who just meet and one might be looking for something more serious than the other. Regardless these are my thought for now and where I am at though I should write more. I like how having a blog makes me think in a different way, how to post my thoughts and therefore i formulate my thoughts in a similar manner.