Hot vs. cute

So I was sitting in class two days ago and I asked my friend to pick a word for me to write a post for. Of all words she could pick, she picked hot which I knew she would. She could have picked such a better one, but it gave me an idea.
This past summer I went upstate with two guys for a few nights. Before we fell asleep, we would have these random conversations about anything. On the second night we were there, the guys whose bed I was in asked me what I thought of him. So I said I think you are very cute. He said just cute, not hot? So we ended up discussing the difference between cute and hot, and me attempting to explain the difference between the two.  In my opinion, cute is when there is something about the guy that  is attractive to you, whether his eyes, his smile or his personality. there is something bout him you like. Hot is when overall the guy is extremely good looking. Most guys I see in the street or in a club are cute not hot. Hot is like Channing Tatum, Chace Crawford, Tom Welling, Jesse Metcalfe, and Jensen Ackles most guys dont't look like that and I don't expect them to. Cute is more than enough and it's not an insult to be called cute..usually

Bucket list- things to do before I die

After watching the movie the bucket list it made me think of things I want to do, to live life to the fullest and experience things. I think there is a relaistic bucket list (get married, have kids, get my masters etc.) and an unrealistic bucket list (go to the moon, sky dive, safe a life). While some are possible, msot won't ever happen. So this list is a mix.

1.Visit an African safari
2. Save a life
3.Fly a plane
4. Join the army
5.Swim with the dollphins
6.Hellicopter over an active volcano
7.Donkey ride down the grand canyon
8. Hot air balloon ride
9.Climb Mt. Washington
10.Walk on the great wall of China
11. Work at a clinic in Africa
12.Work at an orphanage in Russia
13.Visit Macchu Picchu
14. Visit the Taj Mahal
15.Be an extra (or the main part) in a movie
16.Climb a waterfall
17.Run a marathon
18. Do the ironman triathalon
19. Conquer my fear
20. Love someone like they have never been loved
21. Have healthy, happy children
22. Dive in a submarine
23. Visit all the major national parks
24. Hike Darja
25.Go in a submarine
26.Go in a blimp
27.Learn Latin,french, or german
28. Write a book
29. Be there for someone when they need it most
30. Go to the super bowl
31. Running a non-for profit organization for at-risk teens and giving them a safe place to go to. 
32.Finding a career I love and succeeding in it
33. Finishing my bachelors and get a masters
34.Finding and marrying the love of my life
35.Having a lot of adventures with my sopuse
36. Making the most of each opportunity
37.Having enough money to finance mine and my families life goals
38.Learn to public speak
39.Learn to salsa dance
40. Find my passion
41. Master the piano
42.Learn guitar
43.Enter a bike race
44.Learn to do tricks on a skateboard
45. Ride a horse without a saddle
46. Break a brick with my hand
47.Learn to snowboard
48.Learn to high dive
49. Become ablack belt in karate
50.Know that I can defend myself from anyone
51.Go to a shooting range
52. Fire a tavor,uzi,desert eagle and p90
53. Learn to say hello in 50 languages
54. Learn ASL (American sign language)
55.Learn to belly dance
56. Learn to samba
57. Learn to ballroom dance
58. Jump from a cliff into deep water
59. Go on a canopy tour
60.Go bungee jumping
61.Fire walkinf
62.Milk a cow
63.Visit Australia
64.Visit Hawaii
65. Visit the Amazon
66. Visit Antartica
67.Visit Victoria Falls
68.Witness a meteor shower
69.Visit Petra
70.Visit all 7 continents
71.See Mount Rushmore
72.Win a pie eating contests
73.Learn to brew beer
74.Learn to juggle
75.Solve a rubik cube
76.Release any feeling of inadequacy'
77. Allow myself to make mistakes
78. Forgive and forget
79.Learn not to take what others say or do personally
80. Learn to ignore people
81.Discover my lifes purpose
82.Release all negative emotions and self doubt
83.Learn to say "no"!
84.Develop greater self-esteem and self-confidence
85. Have a large family
86.Create an open warm inviting, happy, joyous, loving atmosphere
87.Meet my grandchildren
88. Own a house
89.Donate blood

Fearless minus one

I jump off cliffs that are 10 feet high. Rock climb with no harness. Had a snake around my neck. I am pretty much fearless. And the things that I am scared off I try to deal with the fear and get past is. Bravery isn't the absence of fear but doing the action even with the fear, and not letting the fear control you. So for someone who can get over most fears and do anything that I put my mind it, it's so frustrating to have one fear I can't get rid of. I just can't stop being scared of rape. No matter how hard I try. Men scare me. As strong as I am for a girl, most men can out power me in a second. My belief is that nobody is trustworthy until they prove it to me. A lot of people have a problem with that, but the ones who take the time to show me they are trustworthy and and would never hurt me are the trustworthy ones. If I am walking alone at night (which I hate and try to avoid) I will glance behind me a hundred times. I am not usually paranoid, but I am so scared of being hurt again. I can't let it happen again. Ever. So I have to protect myself, keep myself safe.  It might seem like I am pushing people away but it's protecting myself. I want to be fearless, go sky diving, walk alone, and pet crocodiles.

Living with someone you want to murder while they sleep.

I finally am back in a place where I have normal internet so now I can post more frequently.

I was raised to be kind and giving. I think my mother did that to well and I am to kind and giving. Case in point, when I was dorming 3 years ago I came into the room first. There was a bunk bed and a regular bed. I let her have the regular bed. She never asked if I minded. I don't enjoy bunk beds, I just want other people to be happy too. My current roommate also came into our room a few hours after me. I had left all the shelves empty so we could divide them. I didn't want to be the one to choose the best shelves. Well when she came she took 3 shelves, I got 1, she took 2 drawers, I got none. And I don't complain, because I don't want to be a bitch. But why can't people be fair why can't they look beyond themselves and what is good for them. I want to give, but I can't just always give when all everyone does is take. There has to be a balance. I can't always be tolerant and nice, I have needs to. I think being a bitch probably would be better for me then being the girl everyone can take advantage of cause I'm so nice and caring. So I guess from now on I'll try to be a bitch. 

I want a baby

When I am going through a tough day and hardly anything can help me calm down or feel better there are always three things that can help me feel somewhat better. My piano, a punching bag, or a baby. There's something about holding a new, sweet innocent life in my hand that doesn't allow me to remain upset,angry, or sad at whatever was bothering me earlier. Their soft skin, and sweet big innocent eyes, and tufts of soft baby hair can drive me crazy. I just want to hold them and love them. I love all babies and go gaga over any, but there's nothing more I want then to have my own child. I often say to people that I want a baby and most guys respond with honey we can make one right here right now. That's not what I want. What I want is to give everything to this child. To be their everything. To nurture them, to love them, to raise them. I don't have a guy yet, so I'm willing to wait till I find someone who will live our child almost as much as I will. But I still want a baby.


Heres some pictures of some really cute babies that melt my heart every time I look at these.

Life as an instruction manual

Scott Peck begins his book the road less traveled by saying that life is difficult. It's a universal truth. If life was just meant to have fun, why aren't we all having fun. But on a large scale people are suffering from poverty,famine, rape, illness and many other things no one needs a reminder of. And on a smaller scale we have to deal with many annoying and difficult things on a daily basis. I have tried to start looking at the difficult things in life as opportunities to learn and work on myself. For example: car ride with annoying relative is an opportunity for me to learn patience and the art of keeping my mouth shut. It is a different way of doing things and trying to look at events that usually would piss me of at opportunities to better myself.

Finding the strength

This is something I wrote about a month ago, about finding the strength to get over my past and not continuing making the same mistakes over and over again. Hopefully one day soon I will find that strength.

Every time I agree
and say yes,
a little part of me I lose.
It might feel good then
and I can fake the smiles and moans,
but when I go home
the smiles fade fast
and I cry myself to sleep.
And as the tears fall down,
I say to myself
there must be something more
than a boy and a kiss
and feeling this way.
But I can't escape it
It's what I know
what I've always known.
After the tears dry,
I go back to him
this time he doesn't ask.
And as he pushes me down
and tries to caress,
something goes off inside me
and I refuse to do it anymore,
refuse to be that girl.
My muscles tighten
and I push him off me,
with a strength I didn't know I had.
I expect him to fight back
but all I see is a look of surprise
the surprise turns to a smile.
He pats me on the back
and whispers-its about time.

To my future child

This is something I wrote during class a few weeks ago. Not sure why I wrote this, as I am not yet a mother. But I just felt it so I had to put pen to paer and now fingers to keyboard. Theres nothing I love more than children. I wrote it for a female, because it's more emotionally related but it can be for any child.

I want to hold her, to love her
to give her everything I have
to let her know what words can not say
what I should say, what I wish I could say

I want her to feel what I've never felt
and to never feel what I've felt
I want my tears and sweat
to be her laughter and smiles

I want her to run like the wind
but to never fall
To eat so much
but never gain

I want her to fall in love
dance all night
get her first kiss
but never be hurt

I want her to be happy
I want her to feel loved
by other beyond her family
who will forever cherish her

I want her to realize
how amazing, powerful, and beautiful she is
how no one elses smile
can make my heart flutter the way she does

and if she fails both of our dreams
and hurts and cries
and does things wrong
most importantly, I want her to know
that is when I will love her most.

Religious or not

I grew up in a very religious family, school system, and environment. Jewish from birth and religious based on the circumstances I was brought up in, I didn't have much of a choice. Every area of my life was controlled by religion. Dress- from the time I was 9, I was wearing skirts that covered my knees and shirts that were not to form fitting or revealing and that covered my elbows and collar bone. Eating- that was limited too. Couldn't just stop at any takeout place if I was hungry, no eating at Applebees or McDonald's. Food had to be prepared by a Jew or at least supervised by a Jew. No pork, bacon or shrimp. And only chicken and meat that was slaughtered in a certain way. And no milk and meat mixed together. No wonder I only weigh 90 something pounds. Separate schools my whole life. I didn't start talking to guys in a social setting till I was almost 18, and that was part of my rebelling which is a topic for another time. Boys and girls were always separated as to limit mingling to limit touching before marriage, as that is forbidden as is obviously sex. You had to start your day washing your hands in a certain manner and then praying to God before you were allowed to eat or do anything else. Your whole day was governed by doing actions to serve God. And then there were weekends, which were basically getting together with your family, not riding in your car, no computers or TV's, no touching the lights. I never had a normal weekend. It feels like a long list of do not's, but there are also positives. I will get into that another time, but I will list a few for now- there's a strong family unity, less emphasis on possessions and material world, and more aim for personal growth. Since I was about 18 I have grappled with if I want to be part of this world or if I want to join the secular world. I have gone back and forth in the last 3 years, weighing the pros and cons of both. Right now I am kind of in the middle. Do I want to join a new world and dessert the world I have always known? Or should I let go of some parts of the new world and deal with what I dont like in the old world? I wish I could answer that now, but hopefully as I continue writing the blog and explain the dilemma and what has occurred in the last few years, I will hopefully make the right choice.

Not my secret anymore

This is something I wrote a while ago. Have been told by friends that my writing and poetry tend to be very negative, but that's my way of getting my angry and hurt feelings out. I don't need or feel like writing about butterfly and rainbows. I write about my emotions and things I feel.

He told me not to tell. He had called me a baby. Said he wanted to kill me. So why would I not listen? But holding it inside was a weight I couldn't carry.It kept falling on me, crushing me, hurting me, weighing me down. Walking through those big brown doors everyday felt like a sheep walking into a slaughter house. It was our secret for so long. But I don't need to share something with him. It doesn't have to be our secret. I can unlock the safe I built around the emotions I've felt. I don't have to feel hurt anymore. He doesn't deserve to have power over me, to still have a grasp over me, to still control my emotions, to make me sad and scared and cry at night. To ruin what sex and touch can mean to me. To be in my mind when someone else is making love to me and all I see is him. Hes nothing to me. Enough damage was done. No more. These scars  on my body remind me of the pain I've been through. I can break past it all.

What we do to our children

Not that I have any. Yet. Though I want a baby, badly. But that's a topic for another time. How much of what our kids do is nature and how much do we put in their heads. A few things I have noticed. I was at the park with my then 2 year old nephew and my sister-in-law on the swings and she said to him can you swing higher then me? And as he was pushing his skinny toddler legs back and forth in an attempt to swing higher then me I realized something. We encourage competition, we encourage success, we make people into sore losers. We talk all about winning, all about the end, and not what you can accomplish on the way. Obviously it's good for kids, or for anyone to feel they can succeed but I think we forgot lessons when we encourage getting to the goal first and not just finding the best means to get to the goal and enjoying the journey of getting there. The next thing is that children have no concept of time. That is our own fault. Time is a complex concept for anyone to grasp especially children. But if we were consistent in telling Johnny an amount of time it will be till we go to the park and usually keeping to it he would understand the difference between 5 minutes and 5 hours. For instance, some mothers tell their kids, bedtime in is 45 minutes, getting bored and tired of having their kid up they put them to sleep 10 minutes later, the child is screwed for their childhood and no longer can grasp what 45 minutes is because their parents do not keep to the time they tell their kids. I know people will say kids do not understand time, but try it first. Have a baby and be consistent with what you tell it. Then get back to me. I am waiting to experiment this and several other things on my own children. Just need to find someone ok with me experimenting on our offspring.                                 

Bang!

Not sure why but over the past few years I have become quite the gun fanatic. Not in the sense that I like killing, but I like the sleekness and beauty of the newer guns. When I was back home in the U.S I rarely saw guns up close and personal, unless i went to a shooting range or looked at a cops small pistol, but now I am in a country where the soldiers carry their guns everywhere they are, so I get to see M16 and M4s on a regular basis and when I'm lucky can see even cooler guns. I'm not sure what it is that it enthralls me, maybe its the power of having a gun in your hand or the fact that I like soldiers and things related to military because it goes back to my being a tomboy and loving anything active but whatever it is I will regularly claim, that's so hot! My friends thinking like regular girls will look at the soldier and say yea he is cute, until they realize I am actually referring to the gun. Its kind of weird at the same time, but that's just me. We all like different things.

m4

micro tavor

p90

A taste of me

I have always been a tomboy. Sports over shopping and makeup any day. As I am getting older (21 already) I am becoming less of a tomboy but not losing it all. Never really fit in completely with girls because I wasn't interested in what they were in to.I have girl friends and all but I have always been more comfortable around guys. It never took me an hour to get dressed. I'm good with sweats and a pony tail. I will get dressed up every now and then, and yea it feels good to look good but I don't see a point of spending an hour on makeup and hair. Who are you dressing for? I am dressing for me, so I want to feel comfortable for me. Who cares if there's a hair out of place? Whenever I am with guys and girls and the girls are just sitting on the side talking about girly things and the guys are climbing and fighting, I want to join the guys. I have always been strong for a girl, despite being less than 100 lbs. I can pick up my friends who outweigh me by 40 or 50 lbs. I challenge guys to push up contests. I like to always be moving, be active. Girls fight with words, I've never been really good at that. When I'm angry I would rather punch it out. I don't have to physically fight with someone, a punching bag will do. But talking it out doesn't help, running or working out will. But that doesn't happen in girl world, we have to talk about everything, over and over again. And when you think you have wore out the subject you talk about it again and again.  Now dont get me wrong here, I am fine being a girl, never wanted to switch genders or anything, I just never will be a girly girl, that's all.

Hello there

I guess this blog is kind of overdue. Been saying for years I should start one, well I finally got around to it. For once in my life I am doing something for me, this blog is for me. I hope whoever actually reads it enjoys it, gains something, laughs with me, laughs at me, cries with me, gains a deeper understanding of the world, or whatever else you might feel. If you dont like it, tough! These are my views, my experiences. Either comment or write your own blog on your own thoughts. So a lot of blogs I've read tend to have a theme. Some are about being gay, some are about being religious, and some are just random. I don't want this to just have one theme, obviously I will rant about my negative experiences and the things that make me me. But I don't want any one thing in particular to define me. So I am assume it will be a hodge podge of different things depending on my mood of the day. So come along for the journey.