Social experiment

For the first time ever I wore a miniskirt. Was a strange feeling being that I never revealed that much of my body to the public before. But it was interesting to see how guys reacted to me so differently when I was dressed like that. It felt good to get all the attention and not to give guys what they wanted. Guys who usually don't talk to me, were all into me. These guys I hardly knew were like I know her, and their friends were like dude how do you know her. Guys asked me out on dated. 3 or 4 guys were calling my name at once or trying to pull me in their direction. I stayed with girls and dint do anything stupid. It was nice to feel wanted but it made me realize if almost any girl dressed like that guys would want her too, and it wasn't because they liked me for me or my intelligence. But yea it did make me feel good to be wanted. And it made me think. I was speaking to someone recently how girls act to abuse or rape. There's a few ways. One is they totally withdraw, either just from guys or society in general. Staying away from whats hurt them. Some switch to girls, feeling safer in lesbian relationships and not giving guys another chance to hurt them ever again. Another way of trying to deal with is, is what I did. Going from guy to guy, thinking that would help me get over my fear of men if I kept repeating the act. Its very common for girls who dealt with rape to become promiscuous but it doesn't help obviously, and it just creates more bad memories and more hurt to deal with. Another common thing is to do what I did when I wore a miniskirt. Tease guys, let them want you but then dont give them what they want, making you feel like you have the power and control and not like when the rape happened and the guy had all the control. None of the stages are healthy but they are common when someone is going through that. What I have been trying to do lately is only to engage in healthy relationship and not do any of this.Trying to become normal again.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Good song by the way. Lately my last few posts were rants and this one will also be, just a lot on my mind lately and it's cathartic to write it out. I kind of have this opinion that all guys are assholes and my friends always say its not all guys  but its the guys you associate with. Probably true, the good ones dont go out drinking and get all stupid. But I seem to attract all the bad ones. So that's why now I am taking a break from guys and it actually feels really good. The maybe I can meet normal ones. Not like two of the guys who asked me out in the last year-one was four days out of prison and the other one was my second cousin. I hope to meet a normal person and that's why I have gotten most guys out of my life. The few guys I have left are guys I consider semi-normal and are just friends. Yesterday I had a guy I thought was a good guy drunk call me. He was mad wasted. We had been friends for 4 months, but only hung out two times cause I am no longer in my hometown.  He said hes tired of just talking to me. He likes talking to me but wants more then talking to me. He thinks because he listens to me talk he now is entitled to sleep with me. He went on for half an hour trying to tell me how its not fair that I just want to be friends. He doesn't want to date but wants the benefits of a relationship. He told me its not good for me to be staying away from guys, it will only make me more scared of men and sex and he wants to help heal me. Bullshit. He just wants to use me. I stopped talking to him. These days I am good at pushing people away and I dont care about him. What I do care about is that guys think they have a right to girls, that what they want is sex and will do what it takes to get it and will respect girls. Just come on guys, have a little respect. You will be more likely to get what you want is you have R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

More to life

Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by people who just want to drink, get high and hook up with someone new. And I don't get it. Why? Are those things considered fun? All those things make you lose control and make you less you. Yes its fun every once in a while to be irresponsible and lose control. But for some people I feel like that's their whole life. They dont see much beyond that. They just want to drink and smoke it all away and let different guys have access to their bodies all the time. I wasn't so different, I've done plenty of that. But there's so much beyond that. Drinking makes me a different person, yes I like how it makes me more talkative but it makes me think less and do things I wouldn't do sober so why should I do it drunk? I've never smoked a cigarette, and I've smoked weed once. It's not that amazing and I don't want to be addicted to anything. Even coffee. I don't want anything to have control over me, that I should feel I need something. And hooking up with random guys just makes me feel empty, used, and unloved. I know people do enjoy this lifestyle but maybe it's because it's all you know. Me and my friend try to do other things, instead of going to town and drinking. We will go ice skating, bowling, hiking, movie night. Anything. There are so many ways to have fun sober without doing anything you regret. And if you are fine drinking, smoking, hooking up without any regrets good for you. But I am tired of the people who do it and then every time they say I wish I wouldn't have drunk or I wish I wouldn't have hooked up with the guy I did. If you do it, it should be because you want it and not because you let the alcohol take control of you. I haven't drank in about 6 weeks, and have stayed away from guys for a while. It's not easy, I want to be comforted I want to feel loved, needed and wanted but its not worth bringing myself down and just hooking up with some random guy. And its not easy changing paths, having guys text me thinking they can get some and me telling them I'm not that girl anymore and knowing once I say that they probably wont text me anymore. But its worth it, because I'm happy and I feel like there's substance to my life and I'm not just doing empty things that bring me down. So do whatever you choose, just dont regret it.

Just friends

Like I have written earlier,I am a tomboy,I like guy things. So I can hold long conversations with guys. About guns,sports and other guy related things. But it tends to put me in the friend category. Either guys just want to hook up or just be friends. And yea some of my friends I really want to just be friends with but there's a few I wouldn't mind dating. One guy that I am friends with but also kind of like but am content with being friends since that's all he want,s our friendship revolves around me being tough and guy like. We shoot fake sniper rifles off of roofs, have push-up contents, and have sarcastic conversation making fun of girls being emotional and how tough we are. Its good, its a friendship I really value. Another guy I just met that I also liked, we climbed a tree together yesterday and then talked about how we cant talk about our secret FBI/CIA missions since we are in different agency's and its top secret. A lot of my relationships with guys are about me being one of the guys. There are only two guys I ever dated, and in both of those relationships I was extremely needy and probably very not emotionally stable. I was going through a lot and couldn't get over it and thought I needed a hero, someone, anyone to save me from the nightmares I was going through. So I would get dependent on one of these guys and expect them to be there for me. The more I opened up to them the more I became dependent on them (one at a time). I was so vulnerable from being with a guy that I would feel I need more guys to fill that deep emptiness and loneliness I had and ruin the relationship I had. I was an emotional mess. In the last few months I have gotten over a lot of my past and am ok. I am dependent on myself and take care of myself, and once in while when I need it I have a good friends (girl) to lean on. I am no longer needy, I dont need a guy to make me feel better. I put up a lot of fences and a tough exterior not to let anyone in cause I am afraid if I get close to a guy I will get vulnerable. My friend told me that the whole tomboy thing is just a defensive act and I don't want to show anyone I am a deep sensitive women, maybe but I do like sports and guns and this whole is working for me. I am happy and doing a good job of taking care of myself and I am ok with guys just wanting to be my friend, its probably a good thing for now. I just need more time to heal.

Don't talk to strangers

I used to be told that when I was younger. Wasn't really an issue cause I was shy anyway. My friend recently introduced me to a website called omegle, their slogan is "talk to strangers". Basically they pair you up with a random stranger to talk to. At first it seemed really creepy, but when I am bored in class or can't sleep or something, I will go on. And after you avoid all the perverts, freaks and stuff (there are plenty-I get called normal) you can have some nice conversations. I started using it as a tool to get over my inability to say no to people, and to learn to master lieing to people. What I mean by that, is I have a problem ignoring people who I shouldn't respond to, such as guys that are acting or talking inappropriately. And I can't lie to get out of a situation I need to. So some times I will have fun pretending to be someone else, and not to answer with the truth and to not say what I don't want to. Some times I will have real conversation, some times I will be funny. Sometimes a few of us in my apartment or during class will do a conversation together. I have had some funny ones I should post sometimes.

This is from a weird conversation I had today:

Stranger: well i am nt sngle... bt can afford 2 gf...

Stranger: what u say?

You: 2 girlfriends?

Stranger: i have 1... and if u want 2 be the second one..

You: thats sweet

Stranger: i have no prob.

You: but no thanks

Stranger: b'coz i am younger?

You: and i dont do online relationships

You: and i dont know you

Stranger: on fb??

You: and and and

You: nope

Stranger: hmmmm....

Stranger: yes and and and...?????

You: no

True friends.

I read a quote recently that says, "friends are God's apology for our families". While I do love my family (they're awesome!!!), a friend does fill a void we all have. Having friends is an amazing gift. And I mean true friends. There are people we call our friends; they say hi to us in the hallway (sometimes), we might have a conversation every once in a while and call them up if we need a favor but a true friend is so different. Recently I opened up to a good friend about my past and a lot of the trauma I went through. She didn't tell me she understood or judge me, what she did was she cried. True tears. It meant more to me then words ever could and showed me she really cared and felt my pain.I was scared of confiding in her and showing her how damaged I am, but she didn't care, she was just hurting for me. I just read a quote that sums that experience up "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not healing, not curing, that is a friend who cares". Yes friendship is not based on just talking about the past. But anyone can be friends when it comes to partying, having fun and all the happy stuff .But not everyone can be there for someone in their time of need and truly care. This same friend and I finish each others sentence, usually get what each other is thinking and when we fight we talk about what made each of us upset kind of like a married couple. I do things for her without asking, and she does the same. When I get something for me, I buy two. When I am sad, she will hold me, wipe away my tears and rub my back. While we have been accused of being lesbian, which I am not, I don't get how people can't see that we are just good friends. We are friend soulmates or friendmates for short. I hold her hand sometimes, but can we not love a girl. We don't have to ditch our friends for boys. I actually am happy for the first time in 3 and a half years I am single and I am filling the void by having a lot of good friends and one really close friend. When I was dating I wasn't as close with my best friend because we both had guys in our life to discuss our secrets with, hold us, take care of us, and take up a lot of our time. So people can call me what they want but at the end of the day I am glad I have so many good friends who can care about me in the way I care about them. Friendship is really a gift.
"Friends are those rare people, who ask how we are and wait to hear the answer."
"A true friend never gets in your way unless you are going down."

Wingmen

Every guy I meet, seems to have a friend who does pr for him. That friend will always tell you that that guy you met is the best guy out there, the most amazing person you will ever meet, the sweetest guy in the world, or something along those lines.I wonder if the friend believes this and is truly saying it cause they feel that way, or if every guy has a friend who's job it is to build up the guy to the girls he meets. I will be hanging out with a guy who I think is somewhat of an asshole and his friend says he the bomb. Don't get it, are they paying them?
Wing-mans really work. I was hanging out with a guy and he offered to be my wing man. I didn't need one. 1-I can get guys on my own. 2- Not looking for a guy. But regardless of those points, he was standing between my legs and hugging me, and whispering in my ear and said if a girl makes herself look likes shes with a guy that's when a guy will be interested in her. I didn't believe that, but a few guys who don't usually talk to me, and I am not even interested in came over to me and were asking my friend all about me and if I was involved with the guy. Its funny how people only want something when they can't have it,

Time to study

Starting finals this week. Don't want to study. I have always been able to memorize random facts and if you gave me a piece of paper I can memorize it pretty much straight up, but I have never excelled in school. Standardized tests do not suit everybody. While I have done decently they have never been a good way of testing my intelligence or thousands of other kids for that matter. Not everybody's brain works the same way and not everyone learns in the same manner, but we have one type of system that everybody is supposed to fit into and then we are surprised when kids can't do well in it. The schools systems should cater to every child, whether they are visual or audio learners. Learning can be fun and interactive. There is so much that can be done differently in the classroom, so why isn't it being done?
On another note I still don't understand the set curriculum they teach us. The math we learn is unpractical and something I am sure hardly anyone uses later on in their life. Yes we need to know multiplication and division but do we need to know geometry and trigonometry. Does factoring come in handy later on in life? What about teaching life skills? Like writing checks and filing taxes and the like? We can teach basic life skills in high school that these kids might not learn elsewhere. Sewing, cooking, changing a tire, CPR etc. We have young minds, most of them willing to learn why don't we fill it up with something useful? Just saying.

Just The Way You Are

When I was 13, a friend of mine used to comment on how thin I was and pick up my shirt to stare at my stomach, and while yes I thought it was a little weird I didn't think much of it... until she missed graduation because she was in the hospital with an eating disorder. After that she was in and out of the hospital for years, and when it wasn't anorexia it was drugs and bad boyfriends and things like that. But I never got over that guilt, knowing there was a problem; that she was obsessed with me being skinny and would tell me how she lost an insane amount of weight in a short period of time and I never got her help. Looking back now, I realize that I had no way of helping her, I didn't know about eating disorders and there was nothing I could have done to help. For some reason over the years many people have confided in me about their crazy eating habits and misperception of their body. Maybe it's because they think I'm a good listener or maybe because they believe that since I am skinny, the way they want to look, I will understand. But I don't. I was born this way. And yes I work out, a lot. But that's because my favorite thing to do is sports, I have springs in my feet. I can't walk I need to run. I enjoy working out like they probably enjoy eating. I don't work out to lose weight I do it because it's something that I enjoy. So when people who are thin say I wish I could look like you, it really upsets me for a variety of reasons. 1-why do you want to look like me? skinny is not beautiful. They should strive to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with weighing more as long as it's not unhealthy. Who decided skinny is beautiful? 2-They complain about it, but do nothing practical for it like work out regularly, eat healthy, stay on a normal diet. We will be working out together and they will stop working out because it's to hard but then continue complaining how they want to look like me. It takes effort. Yes I am naturally thin, but I do work out and maybe that's what keeps me this way. They don't realize that things worth having take effort. Maybe I don't understand completely, weight has never been an issue for me. 3-Even when most people who think they are fat do lose weight their perception of their body doesn't change. They keep obsessing, keep wanting to lose weight and get stuck in a bad cycle. It just hurts me so much when some people can't see how beautiful they are. When they look in the mirror they don't see what we all see and they hurt their body's so much by starving themselves, and throwing up or taking laxatives. I wish we could put a lesser emphasis on weight and beauty, so people especially girls wouldn't have to try so hard to fit in. I myself recently decided I don't care what people think bout me, yes I wish I was more beautiful or more this or that but this is who I am and I am not going to spend an hour in front of the mirror or obsessing about myself. It will only bring me down and leave me disappointed. I will never look like a model, but I like who I am and some guys do too. And as long as I can find one person who is attracted to me I will be fine. But my approach isn't reality and I don't expect most people to do that, I just dont want girls hurting themselves. I have seen so many friends hurt. They come to school smelling of throw up, or they eyes looking sunken, and their cheek bones almost popping out their face, or more hair growing on their body because their body is so cold because it has no fat. Who are they doing it for? This post was basically a venting session, not out of anger, but because I care so much. Also on a side note, as I was writing this I was listening to a cover of just the way you are by Bruno Mars by Boyce Avenue, and when its got to the part where it says" you're amazing, just the way you are", I decided that had to be the tile of this post. Because it's true, whoever you are you are amazing, don't try to change that.

My husband

In class today my friend said to me what if  we never find a guy and never get married. I answered her, don't talk like that he's in his cute pajamas sleeping on his NFL sheets dreaming, somewhere out there. And it made me think? Who is he, where is he? I just hope he's out there, somewhere and I'll find him at the right time. I am not dating currently because what's the point of dating if I it's not for marriage. That was something that they brainwashed us with when we were younger. But it's something that I believe now. If I meet a nice guy, someone that I am attracted to and we just have a fun time together with no future, whats the point? We will have a few weeks, months, maybe even a year and then it will end with one or both of us getting hurt. I am not saying that there is no point in dating, I have learned so much from certain people I have dated and it has taught me a lot of lessons and molded me into who I am.  I used to be more uptight and planned, one of the guys I dated was a free spirit, spontaneous and just knew how to have fun. I learned from him to make every moment count, just think of the now, and to look for the good in everything. But I don't want to be hurt again and I don't want to date anyone until I have figured some things out, and am a better more stable, kind, giving person and feel ready to commit. I am very much a relationship person and I want to love someone with everything I am and to be loved back, and to cuddle, and to get all the things one gets out of a relationship, but I don't want to need. I want to wait till I am ready as strange as that sounds, I just think that makes sense for me.
Back to the ideal guy. If I could pick the personality and looks of the guy he would be like what I am about to write, I know I will never ge a guy like this but at least he could have some of these attributes and I know what I am not looking for, plus it's fun to make a laundry list of what I want.
I want someone really sensitive (like a musician), someone emotional who is not afraid to cry and talk about their emotions. Someone who is ambitious, has dreams, and is an intellectual-doesn't mind me sharing all the random facts I know and maybe can match me fact for fact (is that asking too much). Someone who is adventurous, loves sports, and hiking and being active. Someone who is not afraid to love. And can love with every part of them. Will love me. And will love our kids even more than me. I want him to be an amazing dad to our kids, and to love being with them and playing with them. I want him to be spontaneous, and to just have fun. And to know when to be serious and to when have fun. And I want him to be a good person, have morals and do what is right.
Looks wise- I don't care so much but if I could pick I want him to be tall, athletic build, have good muscles and jsut be attractive and have a gorgeous smile.
Really to sum it all up, I just want us to be happy.

Being a judge

In the program I am in this year in school, they put each of us together with another girl we hadn't ever really spoken to and had to have a 20 minute conversation with them. So I got assigned to a girl I had never said a word before, shes not really my crowd. Was surprised she even knew my name. We first asked each other all the typical questions, like where are you from, how many siblings do you have, what are you doing next year. There were awkward lulls in our conversation and we didn't always have something to say, and were waiting for the 20 minutes to be over when we could leave and go have lunch with our own friends .But afterward it made me think. As uncomfortable as it was, I am so happy I spoke to a new person. I feel like so many people, including myself never get to know new people cause we judge them to quickly. In high school, I went to a family friend to take a few tests to see what would be the best career choice for me. Amongst all the tests she gave me, was the Myer-Briggs personality test, and on the part of if I am a judging or perceiving person, judging won out by a lot. And it's true, I see people doing things or dressing a certain way and I judge them. I put them into certain groups in my brain. I meet people and I already think they are one way or another and rarely change my opinion of them. And I hate it. I don't want to be judge. When a lot of people talk to me they say to me oh my God, I thought you were so ____ (insert word that explains what type of person they though I was). I tell people all the time not to judge a book by it's cover, that looks can be deceiving. And it's very true. I am nothing like the person I look like. And I am sure it holds true for many people, so why should I form opinions of them in my mind? So I am happy I had that awkward convo with that girl, I never would have spoken to her otherwise, or have gotten to know her in a different light. So I guess my New Years resolution is to continue to try not to judge people, or at least a little less.

Happy

Decided to start the New Years with a happy post and hopefully there will be more like these. I am happy. Legit happy. I have finally started taking control of my life. I look 15 and probably act around that age, but it's an improvement. I am maturing and making better life choices. Happiness is really a state of mind, it's a choice. Happiness is not just the feeling you get from going to the amusement park, or getting a present you want, but from making the choice to be happy even when life doesn't always go the way you want it to. It's about enjoying the little moments in life. My life isn't perfect, I haven't figured out what I am doing with my life next year and there's tons of little things that go wrong, I am still single, and sometimes people piss me off really badly but I am happy. This is a rather new feeling for me and something I am really enjoying and hope it will continue for the rest of the new year and beyond. Happy new years everyone!