Leftys world.

The world is made for rightys. According to research about 10% of the world is lefty. Righties dont realize how many thing are made for them and are much harder for leftys. In truth I am not 100% lefty. I mainly write with my right, play sports with my left, brush my teeth with my right, my hair with my left and things like eating or cutting with either hand. I am kind of ambidextrous but my left hand is more dominant. My mother was a lefty as a kid but in public school they put the pen in her right hand since they though using the left hand was a sign of the devil. This was a few decades ago not the middle ages, its so bizarre. Regardless I prefer using my left hand but some times its annoying when things are harder for lefties.

If you have noticed that on mens clothing buttons are on the right hand side and on womens clothing buttons are on the left hand side. Why you may ask? Well when clothing with buttons came out it was a sign of wealth and it was made on the right side so it would be easier for most people, since most of the world is right handed. And for the women who had buttons, they were wealthy and did not dress themselves so the buttons were on the left handed side so it was easier for a right handed maid to dress an upper-class woman. And its stayed that way. Thats just one example of things being for righties. Another one is when I get off my bike, I get off on the other side, since I use the other foot. I have to walk around the bike to put down the kickstand. You probally think thats no big deal and I am alzy, but when you constantly have to do small tasks that righties don't have to do or don't notice it can get frustrating. Why can't you choose when you buy a bike what side the kickstand is on. Can openers are for righties, scissors are for righties. yes you can buy left handed products online but you don't usually have them at your disposal. Unless you have your left handed sports equipment with you when theres any chance of a game of baseball happening, you probally will have to use a righty glove which I dont know how to throw with my right hand. Leftys usually adapt to using some right handed equipment like scissors because thats whats available but why should we?  More things made for righties- cameras, computer mouse, and spiral notebooks among several more. When I elarnt guitar I learnt to play it righty since it was to difficult to find a lefty guitar or get it restringed. Plus whenever someone demonstrates something, such as throwing a football they demonstrate is as righty and its harder to learn. Oh guns are meant for righties, pistols. Rifles you can shoot with either hand. In the big picture, its not a big deal but sometimes its slightly frustrating.

Just friends

This video has been going around the past week. I assume most people have seen it. It made me think since that has been a topic I have been discussing with people over the last few years. I grew up not talking to guys at all/ All girls high school. Didn't start talking to guys till after high school. And when I did, I didn't really know how many boundaries I had to make. When I wanted it to be just friends it would usually turn into a hook-up and occasionally the guy having feelings. Right about now I have what I would call 3 or 4 close guy friends. Most are long distance, so it's easy we talk on the phone once a week, once every other week. And the other ones I haven't known for so long. But I have not been to keep a guy friend for very long because it used to always turn into a hookup or it just got weird after a while. I kind of refuse to believe the video because I don't want to think every guy who is my friend wants to hook up with me. I don't think every guy is attracted to me or interested in that way. And I feel that sounds conceited. 3 of my really good guy friend told me they would hook interested with me. But I don't think every guy is like that. I think the problem is we have to realize that our friendship with guys is different than girls. We have to create more boundaries, be careful not o give them wrong signals. Me just laying on a guys bed is because I am tired not because I am interested. I currently only have guys in my life that I trust and I feel safe in my friendship. I hate how it used to be when good friendships would get ruined because we hooked up or he wanted to hook up. I think guys and girls can be friends. I think it takes self restraint on the guys part and the girl knowing limits of the friendship

Off of my head

I hardly ever write anymore. Not sure why. I do have crappy internet where I am, and am hardly ever online which I think is a really good thing. But thats not an excuse. I think all the time of things I want to write but rarely write them. Well here goes some random thoughts.
I am currently living in a college dorm type of environment where theres almost always something to do, such as climbing trees, punching a punching bag, learning how to fight, volunteering somewhere or watching a movie with friends. I am busy most of the time and am very happy. I have found a lot of awesome friends and deffintley am the most outgoing I have ever been. I have finally found some really good guyfriends, most who are in relationships who are just good friends, they are hysterical and fun to be with and I know nothing will ever happen. It feels good not to be with guys who are trying to get into my pants. I have found such a good group of friends. I am so going to have laugh lines when I am older. They say adults laugh less than 20 times a day, I have heard it's 14. I totally beat that. It sometimes hurts to laugh so much. Yea theres still drama, and theres still downs and stuff but I think I finally have accepted my past and have control of it. It might be more complicated when I start dating, but I believe when I find a geninue sincer, loving, good person I will be just fine.
I have dreams. I feel like I made it through my personal hard-time, my personal furnace. It was not an easy fight and I did a lottttt of bad things and amde a lot of mistakes. I try not to dwell on them and I hardly think of them, but those years were very hard and I am so happy I amde it through and made it ok. But I want to help kids who are still going through it, who want a hand to hold, a safe place to go to when they are on their difficult journey. I can't solve their problems for them but I can be there for them. Maybe start an organization, give them a place to live, educate them so they have a career for a future, a person who loves them, things to keep them occupied so they don't get into to much trouble and just to be a shoulder to cry on. I am not qualified but I hope I can make a difference. Many people were there for me and helped me in ways they don't even know.
I hat sounding so negative and that the abuse and stuff defines me but it was such a big part of my life and influenced my life in so many way, so I do talk about it often on here, though not much to anyone else. i really bring it up to one or two people from time to time.
I am smiling as I write this. I just feel happy. Last night at dinner I mentioned to a friend I want a baby. He asked why? I said I feel so full of love and I want to share it. He said why not find a guy, I said I'd prefer a baby, I don't need to be loved I just want to love something fully and give him/her everything s/he needs. Obviously I am going to wait until I am in a relationship and till I am married but I do want one.

On a completely different note, I started listening to podcasts when I am working and trying to sleep and they are great! Free and some are so interesting. Took this long for me to get into it but better late than never. Radiolab is awesome! So funny and entertaining. So stimulating you don't feel like your'e just listening. I always have new facts and stories to share at breakfast..

Not having a real thanksgiving tonight, since I am not in America so slightly sad. I do miss it. But we will still have dessert and American cereal, maybe watch a NFL game and go around and say what we are thankful for, so many things. Maybe that will be my next post but I will write a few for today.

What I am thankful for:
*some will sound lame, but I mean them
Having amazing parents, who though at times may seem over doting do so much for me and always want the best for me. They have given me and give me so much. And I would be nowhere without them.
The rest of my family, who I don't always appreciate enough but they are always there and they are awesome,
Having so many amazing people in my life, so many positive, happy good people that enhance my life and I love being around.
Having so many amazing opportunities in life. I believe each moment is an opportunity, you just got to take it. Kind of in yes man, how he always says yes and on the first episode of gossip girl this season though I cant say I always say yes.
Having good health, its so important and I feel like its not always appreciated till its gone or lessened, so I am appreciating it now.
Having clean water,
Being able to have good and yummy food, and having so many options.
Having the money to pay for what I need and many things I don't.
Having happiness in my life.

That's it for now. But it's start. I have to appreciate more what I have.

Happy thanksgiving!

Everyones doing it

Where I am living now, in a dorm like situation everyone seems to be have a boyfriend or girlfriend besides me. And a few others. I don't mean to sound sorry for myself though I probably will. Love blinds is a valid expression. Not just in the sense that you get blinded to the persons faults that you are in love with and to truths sometimes, but in the sense that you are wearing blinders and not seeing the rest of the world. People tend to not be so sensitive when they are in love. I am sure I wasn't to different but now I am the other side of the road. I want people, and especially my friends to be happy whether or not it's something I agree with such as pot or an unhealthy relationship. I want them to be happy and get the most out of life but does it have to be at the expense of others? We got to open up our eyes a little bit. Also when people are together it eliminates more friend options, because the couple is always together and even if they aren't you don't want to feel like the first 3rd wheel so it just gets uncomfortable. And everyone keeps making jokes that i am going to be the old cat lady that is single forever. In my mind I justify it that I am not settling for anyone and just waiting for the right guy because hes out there, and I don't want to keep settling for less. And I don't want to have meaningless hook ups all it does is add more guys to my list and pushes me away from finding the right guy. I want to get married there I said it. I want to build a life with someone, have children and begin real life, how ever it might get. I feel ready, I just need a guy that will love me, and accept me and be an awesome person. Until then I will just keep waiting and try not to be so frustrated. Side not- I like being alone with myself, getting to know myself better, and having more friendships. I am not the type of girl who needs to be with someone, to influence their self-esteem, to feel good about themselves and more. I love myself but I feel ready to be with someone in a meaningful relationship.

3 years

Yesterday was 3 years since I was raped. It was a little bit of a difficult day since it was on my mind a lot and I saw the event play out in my head a few times. But that's all right because it's no longer an everyday thing and rarely bothers me. I am happy its already been 3 years and more time is going on. I am trying to forget his face though I still can see it sometimes. Regardless it's alright and I am trying to convince myself it's ok. People wonder I never reported it to the police. But I never wanted to bring it up didn't want to have to deal with talking about it again and again- to police, lawyers etc. Having all my family, friends, and community know about it. And having to face him in court. I was not a minor when it happened and I did not go to the police afterwards so no rape kit was done, so what proof do they have. He would lie of course and why would I want to face that, hearing him deny it. Plus I sometimes doubt myself as to what happened, and I was just to scared to report it. I have dealt with it on my own with the help of some amazing people in my life and I am much stronger than those days, where I was crying all the time. But it still hurts sometimes. I don't like admitting that to people, I like saying I am fine and I made it through. I have in a way but sometimes it gets to me. Anyway enough of me being sorry for myself, as others try to comfort me by saying it could have been far worse. I started dating someone new, it's good and I like him. He's nice and sweet and all that. But I have realized something. Whenever I start a new relationship, I am very eager to get to know the guy, we start to get close, I tell him my secrets, we start to like each other and then I just hit an emotional wall. Like I like the guy but then I just don't feel like I can go any further emotionally, I guess I get a little scared inside and unsure of what to do. It's just the guy always understates his understanding of my past and his sensitivity to it. I guess maybe its cause hes male, maybe because no one can understand it unless they have been through something similar or just maybe because I expect more. Regardless it's just like sometimes when I get to a point in a relationship I feel very confused and scared emotionally wise. I am going to try and push past it and let someone try to break down my walls and let me trust them.

Falling to pieces

Yea that's kind of what happened last night. During the day I had a wonderful talk with a friend. We walked around for 3 hours, talking about everything since I haven't seen him in 2 months. We were playfully fighting and just having a great time. At night the guy I was seeing for only a week called and said he didn't want to see me anymore. I have not had a real relationship in about 10 months with one thing imbetween but overall I have been single for a while and with my last 2 breakups I haven't cried. But with this I lost it. I don't know if I was starting to like him, didn't understand why I was being rejected yet again or also petrified since tomorrow I am moving 6000 miles for good by myself and I am so scared but also excited. He was going to be in the same country for me and I was excited to think that I had a support system. He seemed liked the real deal. We weren't physical, no kiss or anything. It was sweet, slow, and smiple and felt right. It came out of the blue that he dumped me and it shouldn't matter as they say (I don't know who they is) that no guy is worth crying over and the one that is wont make you cry. There are very few guys that I have not cried over. This guy didst like me, goodbye, good luck and one to getting myself strong again, moving, settling in, finding my crowd and eventually dating when I find a good guy again. It's just weird because he gave me mixed signals he called me beautiful and his girl and said he loved to spend time with me and was going to miss me. Its just odd, he said he felt no connection and it felt like good friends. Thats how he felt and I;m happy he told me. But this brings me to a point I want to make. I think relationships should start off as good friends, not lust and romance. That doesn't last usually. Yes you should be dating and not just friends. But it should have all the things friendships have- like lots of laughter, comfortable being around each other, having a good time. I feel like everyone's looking for that crazy feeling to hit them, heart pounding like mad, butterflies in their stomach, tingling. Thats not what love is. Thats lust. Love comes out of true friendship, a mutual appreciation and respect for each other. i know it doesn't sound as much fun as lust but its longer lasting. That's what I'm looking for and thats what I found with this guy. Maybe he felt differently or maybe he doesn't believe in the friend first rule. Regardless Its ok. I had a lot of friends that calmed me down, I am doing fine, getting ready to move, and move on with my life.

Finally fearless

I tend to have conversations with myself every now and then. It helps me put everything into focus and I can be honest with myself. So I was doing this 2 days ago and I was driving to the library and I said to myself, what are you truly scared of. I thought for a minute and I realized nothing. For years rape, and abuse and being hurt by men were my biggest fears. But I'm just not scared anymore. I wana climb high on a cliff and scream to the world how happy and ok I am finally. It's not that I need the world to know, I just cant believe how I feel these days. It's just amazing. Everyday is a gift. Everyday is an adventure. I just feel so happy. Trust me I still get down, and angry and annoyed. But those are emotions I can control and they are in the healthy amount.  I still have things Im not so comfortable with but I wouldn't call them fears such as public speaking and yellow jackets (wasps). I'm just confident now. I feel like nothing can get in my way and I can do what I want. I never thought this day could ever come. I want to help people to get to this point. It's possible. I looove life.

Speedy

As you might of heard, last Monday 2010 Olympic Silver medalist Jeret Speedy Perterson was found dead in a canyon in Utah. He had shot himself. Plenty of suicides happen so why am I writing about this one? Well Jeret meant a lot to me. He was a freestyle skier with a move named after him called the hurricane- which involved 3 flips and 5 twists. He caught my eye right before the 2006 Olympics when there was an article is Sports Illustrated about him. I tore it out, put it on my wall next to my other sport articles, but this one I put so it would be the closest thing to me when I woke up. Jeret was an amazing athlete who was talented enough to be in 3 Olympics, win a silver medal, and win the 2005 world cup. But in other areas of his life he wasn't as fortunate. As a kid Jeret was molested by a family member, his sister was killed by a drunk-driver, and also lost his uncle. He went thtough depression and alcohol abuse because of all these traumatic events. And right before the 2006 games, his roommate who he had taken in to help him through his hard times committed suicide right in front of him. To see Jeret at the 2006 games on TV even though he did not win gave me strength. Here I was a 16 tear old kid dealing with abuse, feeling alone and that no one could understand me. I was lost. So I decided to write a letter to Jeret, the first and only time I ever wrote a letter to anyone famous. I wasnt expecting anything back but basically I told him how he gave me strength and inspiration. About less than a week after while I was on the phone with friends studying for a test, my mom came in my room and said Jeret was on the phone for me. I had not given him my number. My mother thought the whole thing was fishy but basically he had reassured her and she let me talk to him. I was shaking, could not believe he had taken the time to call some little kid. He gave me such strength. He told me there was sun on the other side of the mountain, I just had to keep climbing even though it was dark. He shared some other personal things with me, a total stranger to him. The advice he gave me helped me through some really dark and difficult times. He was my hero. He gave me his number and here and there I would text him. The last time I spoke to him was 4 years ago. What other athlete or other famous person would do the same? He told me he was ok and that he had gotten through his hard times and I will get through mine. Finally I made it through, I would say for the last 8 months or so I have been doing really well, I never though this time would come. I made it partially due to Jerets advice, it kept me going. I cried so much when I heard he was gone and that an amazing person is gone from this world. I just wish he could have taken his own advice, he must have been in so much pain that he couldn't stay here anymore. I know that I will miss him very badly as will many others who knew him much better than I ever did. Jeret I hope you have found peace and are no longer in pain from all the tragedies you went through and just know how much you helped me. God bless ya.

Quotes

None of my deep thought provoking wisdom today. Now don't be disappointed. I have something even better. Yes better is possible. I picked out some quotes I like and make me think. Enjoy!


Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. 
-Joshua Marine


Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
-Oscar Wilde


Believe you can and you're halfway there.
-Theodore Roosevelt


A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
-Winston Churchill


We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
-Winston Churchill


Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened.
-Winston Churchill


You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
-Winston Churchill


Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new
-Albert Einstein


Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Einstein


Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results
-Albert Einstein


If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough
-Albert Einstein


There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle
-Albert Einstein


It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-Mark Twain


The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become
-Mark Twain


The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter
-Mark Twain


Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear (So true, I think about this a lot when I feel fear but choose to overcome it)
-Mark Twain 


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest
-Mark Twain


It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt
-Mark Twain


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong
-Mahatma Gandhi


When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it
-Henry Ford


You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time
-Abraham Lincoln


Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
-Oscae Wilde


I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work
-Thomas Edison


When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you                                                                -African Proverb

An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep.                                  -Arab Proverb

So many great ones, that's all for now!

I've changed, deal with it

After being away from my hometown for 9 months I cam back about a month for 8 weeks before I move away for good. I was nervous to come back and for good reasons. While it's great to be with my family its also tough. I am enjoying living in a beautiful big clean house with a cleaning lady and a fridge that is always stocked with great food unlike my apartment which usually had mold and ice on most of our food. And the doting parents are great. As are seeing all my siblings and nieces and nephews who have gotten so big and are adorable. But driving around the town where I have lived almost all of my 21 years is a reminder of my mistakes, of my past. In that firehouse I hooked up with this guy, here I did xyz, where I go is a reminder of mistakes. Plus there are so many people I don't wish to see. Some that we just don't talk for various reasons, some that remind me of bad things, and some that I was friends with before I left. The ones that i was friends with before I left want to hang out with me. But I have rules now, I don't hang out at night or go out alone usually with guys. I am trying to be a better person than the one who left here last October. Last year I made a lot of mistakes. I still err time to time but I am deffintley a better person that who I used to be. I heard a guy who I hooked up with last year is going around calling me ugly and a slut. At first it upset me a lot but then I thought about it. Maybe I was a slut. How do you define a slut anyway? But I am not anymore. And the past doesnt matter anymore. I am a very good caring person now. But since being home I have had a lot of arguments with my last year friends how I cant hang with them, and its starting to get lonely around here since I keep pushing away the not so good influences in my life. I know its the right thing but the right thing is not always easy. I once heard a Rabbi say that you know you are doing the right thing when you have a lot of opposition. He was talking about a different thing but I think it kind of fits. i have made what are for me sacrifices. I am a night person, I love going out at all hours, meeting new people and partying. Now I am home  almost every night on the computer, watching a movie or something and its not easy to change my nature but I am trying to become a better person. I don't want to be a slut. Please accept my change, but if you don't, thats ok because you obviously don't want the real me. My ex said that change isn't becoming a different person but its becoming the real you, well I guess I am me now. Love me or get out of my life! (Sorry for the anger)

I'm not damaged

One of my biggest fears is that somebody would reject me for my past. This year I have learned to make peace with my past, accept what happened and to move on. I now know being molested was not my fault. i am not damaged. I am not dirty. I am just as whole as before hand. But not everyone realizes that, some people think that the pedophiles actions was partially my fault, but it has nothing to do with me. Recently I went on a date with a guy and I shared a tiny part of my past. I didn't share about rape or cutting or anything like that. Just one detail cause he kept pushing for it and I gave in.  But once I told him he didn't want to hear it and started freaking out. He was upset that I had told him when he had asked me to share what I was hiding. I was actually quite hurt by his uneducated reaction. And it bothered me the whole date. When I got home, my amazing friends explained to me that if he cared about me he wouldn't see this as a flaw. The more I thought about it the more I realized they made sense. I have had guys who were angry about it, but not at me, at those who hurt me. That made sense. But it freaked this guy out. I guess he didn't understand it. And that ok. But I hope one day someone will.

Reflections

I recently heard someone speak about how a birthday is an auspicious time, thats it time to reflect on your life. About where you were a year ago and where you want to be in a year. And while its not my birthday for about 3 more months, I feel not is a good time to reflect. If you had told me last year that I could ever be this happy I would have laughed in your face. I would have said you are so not realistic, I could never be that happy, I have so much shit in my life. But guess what? I am happy and doing so well. I finally feel what i feel is true happiness (I will explain the meaning of that in another post) Yes I disappoint myself, I cry and I get down. But those are all stepping stones to where I want to get. I dont get stuck. I make a mistake but I keep on going. A year ago I was involved with a lot of guys, doing whatever it took to feel happy to feel loved even temporarily. But none of that eased my pain, all it did was bring me down more. Going away for the year was the best decision I ever made (even though I made the decision for the wrong reasons). I am finally maturing, becoming my own person and living the life I want to live. Being single this year has allowed me to be selfish, in terms of making decisions for me, doing whats best for me and not having to sacrifice myself at a time when I need myself more than I need someone else in order to help me change. So though 22 is still a few months off, this year has been amazing, and crazy at the same time. I can't wait to see what else is in store in the future for me. Life is awesome!

Thanks for being a good guy

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I had been sick the last few days so it felt great to get out of bed. I went into town to take care of things and then hung out with 2 guys, each one separately. After my night was over I called one of my closest friends and gave her a recap of the day, I told her with pure happiness in my voice that neither of the guys even tried to make a move! She answered thats nothing to be happy about, that's how it always should be. She might be right, but that's not how it is for me. Most of the guys I tend to hang out with usually only want me for my body. It was so nice last night to just chill and hang with them. Listening to them, them listening to me without them trying to get in my pants. The first guy and I walked to this beautiful park, watched the dogs run around, and laid on the grass and looked up at the sky. The second guy and I met friends we both knew and hung out with them for a while before going to get sushi, which he paid for and then just talked about everything while he walked me 3/4 of the way to my bus. On the bus on the way home I started talking to a random soldier who was telling me about his future dreams. Didn't ask for my number, facebook name or anything. Just a nice conversation with a stranger. People have been telling me for years that there are nice guys out there and I never believed them. I don't know why but after all the abuse I was drawn to guys who kept hurting me. Not in the same way but they weren't good people, they were guys who took advantage of me and never valued me for who I am. In the last few months I am finally belieing what people have told me. Just because I have surrounded myself with bad people doesn't mean the good ones don't exist. I am starting to meet some really good people which is really changing my outlook in life. As I used to say to the few good guys I knew- thanks for being a good guy.

Stop playing with my emotions

I wrote this is class last week.  Its self-explanatory but shows my fear of letting people anyone into my life. Im so scared of trusting again, of loving again. Months ago I locked my heart up and threw away the key and I made myself my support system, my whole life and decided I dont need guys. 

stop!

playing with my heart

I wont let go

I cant!

these walls I built

are what kept me safe

what keep me safe

stop knocking them down

every sweet thing you say 

every I love you

knocks down a brick

of my inner fort

nobody ahs protected me

despite their many promises

I have been alone

In a cold scary dark world

but I have been fine

I am fine

but then you say you love me

and I fall apart

Dear rapist

Dear rapist,
Its been close to 3 years now since you pushed me down on the bed, took my virginity, disrespected my no, took away my voice, made me hate sex, fear men, and push myself away from so many people. Thanks by the way. Not for the pain and tears I've cried but rather for letting me find strength in places I didn't know I have. Because of what you did I changed from a girl to a woman, from being naive to being aware of the dangers of the world, from trusting people to putting down so many fences and forts thats I wont let anyone in. I could hate you, but instead I'm just really sorry for you. You seriously couldn't get it without pushing someone down and pounding her while she screamed and cried? You have a hand for a reason, learn to use it. Youre a miserable low life, who has no clue what you did to me. I have had offers to hurt you, but I never took anyone up on it. Cause what would I gain? The physical pain anybody would cause to you could never compare to the emotional pain and trauma you and others have caused. Plus I am not you, I try my best not to hurt people. Yes I have nightmares and flashbacks and wake up screaming time to time. And the first time I had sex after you took my virginity from me, I made him stop cause all I could see was your face and not my boyfriend. I even have physical scars from the emotional pain you caused. I might be scared of sex and had plenty of sex with random guys in hope the fear would dissipate, but I have learned how to deal with fear and how to deal with tough times. I will survive this, stronger than before I ever met you. I will be a better person, but you will always be a rapist.

Army strong

I've always had dreams of being in the military. Though in the dream I was usually a guy with a buzz cut with a tattoo of an anchor on my left bicep. Sounds messed up. It is. But I knew as a girl I couldn't do the same stuff in the military and I wanted to be a guy in the military. I have made peace with being a woman (usually), though sometimes it's annoying but I am getting more feminine as I grow older. But I still want to serve. I want to do basic, I want to push myself as hard as possible. I want to hurt at the end of the day. I want to shoot center. I want to be disciplined, I want to know that I can do what ever I set my mind to, that I can face anything, any challenges that can come up in my life I can overcome then. Cause I am army strong. Sadly this isn't a dream that will be fulfilled. As much as I want it, its not practical for me at this point in my life and it's a dream I am going to have to forget. But I will find other outlets in my life that can push me hard and build me up and help me overcome anything. I plan on getting serious in martial arts, which will give me courage and discipline and make me strong, just not army strong. I'm going to be one of those old grandmothers telling soldiers when I was your age I wanted to be in the army too but...

Positive risk taking

In the last 5 months since I have been away from home, I have been to the hospital and clinic only for injuries and not for sickness. First my concussion, then a dislocated shoulder and now this weeks latest, a possible fracture in my hand which turned out not to be broken. You might think I'm clumsy and people say I am always getting hurt. Maybe I do get hurt a lot but its because I'm always doing things and trying new things. If I just sat on my ass all day I wouldn't get injured but what fun is that? I want to experience life, have fun, go crazy in a good way. The concussion I got from doing a back-bend on sidewalk and not putting my hand down on time. The shoulder popped out from attempting a side aerial (a cartwheel with no hands), which was an old injury from uneven bars. And the hand was from trying to break a block in half, it wasn't working so I punched 25 times till my hands swelled up. If people did what I do, try jumping off things, climbing up things, and attempting to flip they would probably get hurt too. It makes life more interesting jumping over things then going around it. That's me. I like having fun, enjoying the little things. There's a risk of getting hurt but its worth it. Cause yes I have had 3 moderate injuries, there's a thousand times in the last few things where I've done things like hat and haven't gotten hurt. Risk taking can be good. But then there's also bad risk taking.Like spending a night with a guy and wishing for things not to happen, there's some risk that shouldn't be played with. Shouldn't put yourself in a situation where the damages would be so bad. I can deal with physical pain, there's no reason to let my guard down. I shouldn't put myself in a situation where there's a chance of me getting hurt again, because my hurt level is subsidizing and I am never letting it get added to again. So even though maybe the guy wont try something, not worth taking the risk, I'd rather flip over something or go skydiving. Guys are to risky.

Every breath you take... I'll be watching you

So recently someone in my past has come back to haunt me, literally. He flew over 6,000 miles to find me. He stalks me, knows where I am, what I am doing every day and where I will be. It's so creepy. When I tell most people, they say that's so cute. Its not cute, its scary. Its not love, its obsession. He googled my name along with the campus I am living on, and found a few blogs people wrote and used that to know where I'd be. He was outside my school building at 7:40am waiting for me. He came to my campus late at night and was searching for me. I get these texts how hes looking for me. He spent 5 hours searching my university campus for me. No matter how many times I ask him to get away from me he will not listen. And that scares me beyond the basic reason of hows he creepy, its that my whole life so many men have not listened to me saying no. They have not respected my saying no, and have raped me, molested me, taken advantaged of me and not respected me. He has to listen to no, I want to be alone. After a week of ignoring him he sent me an angry text saying how bad of a person I am how he hates me and then an email threatening to disclose all my private information and ruin my reputation if I dont listen to what he says. I promised a guy 2 weeks of free meals if he beats him up he said he would do it for free, violence is not the answer but what is? I do live in fear anymore, I am past that stage. I just want to be respected to and listened to. I know things will work out cause they always do, but I just hope its sooner than later.

Social experiment

For the first time ever I wore a miniskirt. Was a strange feeling being that I never revealed that much of my body to the public before. But it was interesting to see how guys reacted to me so differently when I was dressed like that. It felt good to get all the attention and not to give guys what they wanted. Guys who usually don't talk to me, were all into me. These guys I hardly knew were like I know her, and their friends were like dude how do you know her. Guys asked me out on dated. 3 or 4 guys were calling my name at once or trying to pull me in their direction. I stayed with girls and dint do anything stupid. It was nice to feel wanted but it made me realize if almost any girl dressed like that guys would want her too, and it wasn't because they liked me for me or my intelligence. But yea it did make me feel good to be wanted. And it made me think. I was speaking to someone recently how girls act to abuse or rape. There's a few ways. One is they totally withdraw, either just from guys or society in general. Staying away from whats hurt them. Some switch to girls, feeling safer in lesbian relationships and not giving guys another chance to hurt them ever again. Another way of trying to deal with is, is what I did. Going from guy to guy, thinking that would help me get over my fear of men if I kept repeating the act. Its very common for girls who dealt with rape to become promiscuous but it doesn't help obviously, and it just creates more bad memories and more hurt to deal with. Another common thing is to do what I did when I wore a miniskirt. Tease guys, let them want you but then dont give them what they want, making you feel like you have the power and control and not like when the rape happened and the guy had all the control. None of the stages are healthy but they are common when someone is going through that. What I have been trying to do lately is only to engage in healthy relationship and not do any of this.Trying to become normal again.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Good song by the way. Lately my last few posts were rants and this one will also be, just a lot on my mind lately and it's cathartic to write it out. I kind of have this opinion that all guys are assholes and my friends always say its not all guys  but its the guys you associate with. Probably true, the good ones dont go out drinking and get all stupid. But I seem to attract all the bad ones. So that's why now I am taking a break from guys and it actually feels really good. The maybe I can meet normal ones. Not like two of the guys who asked me out in the last year-one was four days out of prison and the other one was my second cousin. I hope to meet a normal person and that's why I have gotten most guys out of my life. The few guys I have left are guys I consider semi-normal and are just friends. Yesterday I had a guy I thought was a good guy drunk call me. He was mad wasted. We had been friends for 4 months, but only hung out two times cause I am no longer in my hometown.  He said hes tired of just talking to me. He likes talking to me but wants more then talking to me. He thinks because he listens to me talk he now is entitled to sleep with me. He went on for half an hour trying to tell me how its not fair that I just want to be friends. He doesn't want to date but wants the benefits of a relationship. He told me its not good for me to be staying away from guys, it will only make me more scared of men and sex and he wants to help heal me. Bullshit. He just wants to use me. I stopped talking to him. These days I am good at pushing people away and I dont care about him. What I do care about is that guys think they have a right to girls, that what they want is sex and will do what it takes to get it and will respect girls. Just come on guys, have a little respect. You will be more likely to get what you want is you have R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

More to life

Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by people who just want to drink, get high and hook up with someone new. And I don't get it. Why? Are those things considered fun? All those things make you lose control and make you less you. Yes its fun every once in a while to be irresponsible and lose control. But for some people I feel like that's their whole life. They dont see much beyond that. They just want to drink and smoke it all away and let different guys have access to their bodies all the time. I wasn't so different, I've done plenty of that. But there's so much beyond that. Drinking makes me a different person, yes I like how it makes me more talkative but it makes me think less and do things I wouldn't do sober so why should I do it drunk? I've never smoked a cigarette, and I've smoked weed once. It's not that amazing and I don't want to be addicted to anything. Even coffee. I don't want anything to have control over me, that I should feel I need something. And hooking up with random guys just makes me feel empty, used, and unloved. I know people do enjoy this lifestyle but maybe it's because it's all you know. Me and my friend try to do other things, instead of going to town and drinking. We will go ice skating, bowling, hiking, movie night. Anything. There are so many ways to have fun sober without doing anything you regret. And if you are fine drinking, smoking, hooking up without any regrets good for you. But I am tired of the people who do it and then every time they say I wish I wouldn't have drunk or I wish I wouldn't have hooked up with the guy I did. If you do it, it should be because you want it and not because you let the alcohol take control of you. I haven't drank in about 6 weeks, and have stayed away from guys for a while. It's not easy, I want to be comforted I want to feel loved, needed and wanted but its not worth bringing myself down and just hooking up with some random guy. And its not easy changing paths, having guys text me thinking they can get some and me telling them I'm not that girl anymore and knowing once I say that they probably wont text me anymore. But its worth it, because I'm happy and I feel like there's substance to my life and I'm not just doing empty things that bring me down. So do whatever you choose, just dont regret it.

Just friends

Like I have written earlier,I am a tomboy,I like guy things. So I can hold long conversations with guys. About guns,sports and other guy related things. But it tends to put me in the friend category. Either guys just want to hook up or just be friends. And yea some of my friends I really want to just be friends with but there's a few I wouldn't mind dating. One guy that I am friends with but also kind of like but am content with being friends since that's all he want,s our friendship revolves around me being tough and guy like. We shoot fake sniper rifles off of roofs, have push-up contents, and have sarcastic conversation making fun of girls being emotional and how tough we are. Its good, its a friendship I really value. Another guy I just met that I also liked, we climbed a tree together yesterday and then talked about how we cant talk about our secret FBI/CIA missions since we are in different agency's and its top secret. A lot of my relationships with guys are about me being one of the guys. There are only two guys I ever dated, and in both of those relationships I was extremely needy and probably very not emotionally stable. I was going through a lot and couldn't get over it and thought I needed a hero, someone, anyone to save me from the nightmares I was going through. So I would get dependent on one of these guys and expect them to be there for me. The more I opened up to them the more I became dependent on them (one at a time). I was so vulnerable from being with a guy that I would feel I need more guys to fill that deep emptiness and loneliness I had and ruin the relationship I had. I was an emotional mess. In the last few months I have gotten over a lot of my past and am ok. I am dependent on myself and take care of myself, and once in while when I need it I have a good friends (girl) to lean on. I am no longer needy, I dont need a guy to make me feel better. I put up a lot of fences and a tough exterior not to let anyone in cause I am afraid if I get close to a guy I will get vulnerable. My friend told me that the whole tomboy thing is just a defensive act and I don't want to show anyone I am a deep sensitive women, maybe but I do like sports and guns and this whole is working for me. I am happy and doing a good job of taking care of myself and I am ok with guys just wanting to be my friend, its probably a good thing for now. I just need more time to heal.

Don't talk to strangers

I used to be told that when I was younger. Wasn't really an issue cause I was shy anyway. My friend recently introduced me to a website called omegle, their slogan is "talk to strangers". Basically they pair you up with a random stranger to talk to. At first it seemed really creepy, but when I am bored in class or can't sleep or something, I will go on. And after you avoid all the perverts, freaks and stuff (there are plenty-I get called normal) you can have some nice conversations. I started using it as a tool to get over my inability to say no to people, and to learn to master lieing to people. What I mean by that, is I have a problem ignoring people who I shouldn't respond to, such as guys that are acting or talking inappropriately. And I can't lie to get out of a situation I need to. So some times I will have fun pretending to be someone else, and not to answer with the truth and to not say what I don't want to. Some times I will have real conversation, some times I will be funny. Sometimes a few of us in my apartment or during class will do a conversation together. I have had some funny ones I should post sometimes.

This is from a weird conversation I had today:

Stranger: well i am nt sngle... bt can afford 2 gf...

Stranger: what u say?

You: 2 girlfriends?

Stranger: i have 1... and if u want 2 be the second one..

You: thats sweet

Stranger: i have no prob.

You: but no thanks

Stranger: b'coz i am younger?

You: and i dont do online relationships

You: and i dont know you

Stranger: on fb??

You: and and and

You: nope

Stranger: hmmmm....

Stranger: yes and and and...?????

You: no

True friends.

I read a quote recently that says, "friends are God's apology for our families". While I do love my family (they're awesome!!!), a friend does fill a void we all have. Having friends is an amazing gift. And I mean true friends. There are people we call our friends; they say hi to us in the hallway (sometimes), we might have a conversation every once in a while and call them up if we need a favor but a true friend is so different. Recently I opened up to a good friend about my past and a lot of the trauma I went through. She didn't tell me she understood or judge me, what she did was she cried. True tears. It meant more to me then words ever could and showed me she really cared and felt my pain.I was scared of confiding in her and showing her how damaged I am, but she didn't care, she was just hurting for me. I just read a quote that sums that experience up "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not healing, not curing, that is a friend who cares". Yes friendship is not based on just talking about the past. But anyone can be friends when it comes to partying, having fun and all the happy stuff .But not everyone can be there for someone in their time of need and truly care. This same friend and I finish each others sentence, usually get what each other is thinking and when we fight we talk about what made each of us upset kind of like a married couple. I do things for her without asking, and she does the same. When I get something for me, I buy two. When I am sad, she will hold me, wipe away my tears and rub my back. While we have been accused of being lesbian, which I am not, I don't get how people can't see that we are just good friends. We are friend soulmates or friendmates for short. I hold her hand sometimes, but can we not love a girl. We don't have to ditch our friends for boys. I actually am happy for the first time in 3 and a half years I am single and I am filling the void by having a lot of good friends and one really close friend. When I was dating I wasn't as close with my best friend because we both had guys in our life to discuss our secrets with, hold us, take care of us, and take up a lot of our time. So people can call me what they want but at the end of the day I am glad I have so many good friends who can care about me in the way I care about them. Friendship is really a gift.
"Friends are those rare people, who ask how we are and wait to hear the answer."
"A true friend never gets in your way unless you are going down."

Wingmen

Every guy I meet, seems to have a friend who does pr for him. That friend will always tell you that that guy you met is the best guy out there, the most amazing person you will ever meet, the sweetest guy in the world, or something along those lines.I wonder if the friend believes this and is truly saying it cause they feel that way, or if every guy has a friend who's job it is to build up the guy to the girls he meets. I will be hanging out with a guy who I think is somewhat of an asshole and his friend says he the bomb. Don't get it, are they paying them?
Wing-mans really work. I was hanging out with a guy and he offered to be my wing man. I didn't need one. 1-I can get guys on my own. 2- Not looking for a guy. But regardless of those points, he was standing between my legs and hugging me, and whispering in my ear and said if a girl makes herself look likes shes with a guy that's when a guy will be interested in her. I didn't believe that, but a few guys who don't usually talk to me, and I am not even interested in came over to me and were asking my friend all about me and if I was involved with the guy. Its funny how people only want something when they can't have it,

Time to study

Starting finals this week. Don't want to study. I have always been able to memorize random facts and if you gave me a piece of paper I can memorize it pretty much straight up, but I have never excelled in school. Standardized tests do not suit everybody. While I have done decently they have never been a good way of testing my intelligence or thousands of other kids for that matter. Not everybody's brain works the same way and not everyone learns in the same manner, but we have one type of system that everybody is supposed to fit into and then we are surprised when kids can't do well in it. The schools systems should cater to every child, whether they are visual or audio learners. Learning can be fun and interactive. There is so much that can be done differently in the classroom, so why isn't it being done?
On another note I still don't understand the set curriculum they teach us. The math we learn is unpractical and something I am sure hardly anyone uses later on in their life. Yes we need to know multiplication and division but do we need to know geometry and trigonometry. Does factoring come in handy later on in life? What about teaching life skills? Like writing checks and filing taxes and the like? We can teach basic life skills in high school that these kids might not learn elsewhere. Sewing, cooking, changing a tire, CPR etc. We have young minds, most of them willing to learn why don't we fill it up with something useful? Just saying.

Just The Way You Are

When I was 13, a friend of mine used to comment on how thin I was and pick up my shirt to stare at my stomach, and while yes I thought it was a little weird I didn't think much of it... until she missed graduation because she was in the hospital with an eating disorder. After that she was in and out of the hospital for years, and when it wasn't anorexia it was drugs and bad boyfriends and things like that. But I never got over that guilt, knowing there was a problem; that she was obsessed with me being skinny and would tell me how she lost an insane amount of weight in a short period of time and I never got her help. Looking back now, I realize that I had no way of helping her, I didn't know about eating disorders and there was nothing I could have done to help. For some reason over the years many people have confided in me about their crazy eating habits and misperception of their body. Maybe it's because they think I'm a good listener or maybe because they believe that since I am skinny, the way they want to look, I will understand. But I don't. I was born this way. And yes I work out, a lot. But that's because my favorite thing to do is sports, I have springs in my feet. I can't walk I need to run. I enjoy working out like they probably enjoy eating. I don't work out to lose weight I do it because it's something that I enjoy. So when people who are thin say I wish I could look like you, it really upsets me for a variety of reasons. 1-why do you want to look like me? skinny is not beautiful. They should strive to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with weighing more as long as it's not unhealthy. Who decided skinny is beautiful? 2-They complain about it, but do nothing practical for it like work out regularly, eat healthy, stay on a normal diet. We will be working out together and they will stop working out because it's to hard but then continue complaining how they want to look like me. It takes effort. Yes I am naturally thin, but I do work out and maybe that's what keeps me this way. They don't realize that things worth having take effort. Maybe I don't understand completely, weight has never been an issue for me. 3-Even when most people who think they are fat do lose weight their perception of their body doesn't change. They keep obsessing, keep wanting to lose weight and get stuck in a bad cycle. It just hurts me so much when some people can't see how beautiful they are. When they look in the mirror they don't see what we all see and they hurt their body's so much by starving themselves, and throwing up or taking laxatives. I wish we could put a lesser emphasis on weight and beauty, so people especially girls wouldn't have to try so hard to fit in. I myself recently decided I don't care what people think bout me, yes I wish I was more beautiful or more this or that but this is who I am and I am not going to spend an hour in front of the mirror or obsessing about myself. It will only bring me down and leave me disappointed. I will never look like a model, but I like who I am and some guys do too. And as long as I can find one person who is attracted to me I will be fine. But my approach isn't reality and I don't expect most people to do that, I just dont want girls hurting themselves. I have seen so many friends hurt. They come to school smelling of throw up, or they eyes looking sunken, and their cheek bones almost popping out their face, or more hair growing on their body because their body is so cold because it has no fat. Who are they doing it for? This post was basically a venting session, not out of anger, but because I care so much. Also on a side note, as I was writing this I was listening to a cover of just the way you are by Bruno Mars by Boyce Avenue, and when its got to the part where it says" you're amazing, just the way you are", I decided that had to be the tile of this post. Because it's true, whoever you are you are amazing, don't try to change that.

My husband

In class today my friend said to me what if  we never find a guy and never get married. I answered her, don't talk like that he's in his cute pajamas sleeping on his NFL sheets dreaming, somewhere out there. And it made me think? Who is he, where is he? I just hope he's out there, somewhere and I'll find him at the right time. I am not dating currently because what's the point of dating if I it's not for marriage. That was something that they brainwashed us with when we were younger. But it's something that I believe now. If I meet a nice guy, someone that I am attracted to and we just have a fun time together with no future, whats the point? We will have a few weeks, months, maybe even a year and then it will end with one or both of us getting hurt. I am not saying that there is no point in dating, I have learned so much from certain people I have dated and it has taught me a lot of lessons and molded me into who I am.  I used to be more uptight and planned, one of the guys I dated was a free spirit, spontaneous and just knew how to have fun. I learned from him to make every moment count, just think of the now, and to look for the good in everything. But I don't want to be hurt again and I don't want to date anyone until I have figured some things out, and am a better more stable, kind, giving person and feel ready to commit. I am very much a relationship person and I want to love someone with everything I am and to be loved back, and to cuddle, and to get all the things one gets out of a relationship, but I don't want to need. I want to wait till I am ready as strange as that sounds, I just think that makes sense for me.
Back to the ideal guy. If I could pick the personality and looks of the guy he would be like what I am about to write, I know I will never ge a guy like this but at least he could have some of these attributes and I know what I am not looking for, plus it's fun to make a laundry list of what I want.
I want someone really sensitive (like a musician), someone emotional who is not afraid to cry and talk about their emotions. Someone who is ambitious, has dreams, and is an intellectual-doesn't mind me sharing all the random facts I know and maybe can match me fact for fact (is that asking too much). Someone who is adventurous, loves sports, and hiking and being active. Someone who is not afraid to love. And can love with every part of them. Will love me. And will love our kids even more than me. I want him to be an amazing dad to our kids, and to love being with them and playing with them. I want him to be spontaneous, and to just have fun. And to know when to be serious and to when have fun. And I want him to be a good person, have morals and do what is right.
Looks wise- I don't care so much but if I could pick I want him to be tall, athletic build, have good muscles and jsut be attractive and have a gorgeous smile.
Really to sum it all up, I just want us to be happy.

Being a judge

In the program I am in this year in school, they put each of us together with another girl we hadn't ever really spoken to and had to have a 20 minute conversation with them. So I got assigned to a girl I had never said a word before, shes not really my crowd. Was surprised she even knew my name. We first asked each other all the typical questions, like where are you from, how many siblings do you have, what are you doing next year. There were awkward lulls in our conversation and we didn't always have something to say, and were waiting for the 20 minutes to be over when we could leave and go have lunch with our own friends .But afterward it made me think. As uncomfortable as it was, I am so happy I spoke to a new person. I feel like so many people, including myself never get to know new people cause we judge them to quickly. In high school, I went to a family friend to take a few tests to see what would be the best career choice for me. Amongst all the tests she gave me, was the Myer-Briggs personality test, and on the part of if I am a judging or perceiving person, judging won out by a lot. And it's true, I see people doing things or dressing a certain way and I judge them. I put them into certain groups in my brain. I meet people and I already think they are one way or another and rarely change my opinion of them. And I hate it. I don't want to be judge. When a lot of people talk to me they say to me oh my God, I thought you were so ____ (insert word that explains what type of person they though I was). I tell people all the time not to judge a book by it's cover, that looks can be deceiving. And it's very true. I am nothing like the person I look like. And I am sure it holds true for many people, so why should I form opinions of them in my mind? So I am happy I had that awkward convo with that girl, I never would have spoken to her otherwise, or have gotten to know her in a different light. So I guess my New Years resolution is to continue to try not to judge people, or at least a little less.

Happy

Decided to start the New Years with a happy post and hopefully there will be more like these. I am happy. Legit happy. I have finally started taking control of my life. I look 15 and probably act around that age, but it's an improvement. I am maturing and making better life choices. Happiness is really a state of mind, it's a choice. Happiness is not just the feeling you get from going to the amusement park, or getting a present you want, but from making the choice to be happy even when life doesn't always go the way you want it to. It's about enjoying the little moments in life. My life isn't perfect, I haven't figured out what I am doing with my life next year and there's tons of little things that go wrong, I am still single, and sometimes people piss me off really badly but I am happy. This is a rather new feeling for me and something I am really enjoying and hope it will continue for the rest of the new year and beyond. Happy new years everyone!